I have noticed, from a very young age, That whenever it seems like everything is going well in life, I have been on the cusp or brink of something tragic or traumatic.
Always unaware, always unexpected. Whenever it seems I’ve reached a happy place in life, my world has been turned upside down, sent spiraling out of control, falling off its orbit.
There are always only two options. Sink or swim, Live or die.
This situations have always lead to astounding levels of personal growth, exhibits of emotional and spiritual strength I didn’t know I possessed and… another short period of happiness.
We all know that there are many spirits know to cause issues like this, cutting out anything in life that holds you back-in order for you to grow and succeed.
What about complacency. Not as a spiritual act, but rather a driving force that causes this extra special how the Fck is this my life? moment.
Often when things are good, we get lazy. We don’t go out of our way to do extra things, to push ourselves harder, prior to so many of these experiences in life- I have tended to take a break and just live when the happiness arrives, for however long it stays.
I’ve been leery of what was to come since around December. I had many conversations with my boyfriend, and my ex-roommate about how I feared what was lurking on the horizon. Never moving in, but always a heavy shadow- waiting for its time to swoop in. It’s upset me at times, because I could not perceive what it would be, only that it would be. I couldn’t perceive when it would. The worst part, was while there is usually only two, or three, or maybe ten Realistic ways for things to go, This time I could loosely trace threads in over 34 different directions- and they all seemed as likely to take place as the next.
This kinda made me Feel helpless. I used it as an excuse to become complacent. When there are less than ten possible outcomes, it is easier to push the scales in the direction you want. Especially if some of them are super unlikely to happen. When there is more than you can even remember in one six hour sitting without writing them down, how do you begin to know where to push. How do begin to know How to proceed if the odds evenly spread so far out.
I’ve said many times that my year here in Washington state… has been on pause. Nothing majorly bad has happened since last May. My gifts and skills and practices have come leaps and bounds further than I expected. My doubt has diminished while never disappearing, it is certainly become lessened. I’ve been happy. But worried-tragedy loomed on the horizon.
Now that tragedy has arrived and I no longer have to worry about how it is coming, I do certainly have to consider how I’m getting out of it. Many things are falling into place quickly. I’m always aware that each step could be a step in the wrong direction.
For example, I did a reading for the ex roommate in March. Her worst fears came out as the future card. This sent her into a spiral, which caused exactly what she feared. If she had continued has normal, nothing would have changed. Unfortunately her fear owned her and she physically, Verbally and very unintentionally manifested what she was trying to prevent. (Btw never tell me you own me and control me and I’m going to do what you want and only what you want- at least if you want to see me again or speak to me again irl. I’ve become quite good at disappearing and burning bridges.)
When I come out the other side of this tragedy and renter a happy period, I do hope someone reminds me not to become complacent. I hope someone reminds me to enjoy my happiness but keep my skills sharp, my eyes open and to prepare for the next one.
There will be a next one, there always will be a next one.