When I was young- like from 9-24; it was in no way unusual for me to have an “Entity” percieved as a demon or claming to be an angel or PRETENDING to be ‘from God’- RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN, come to me- or even ‘cause a deep sleep to fall upon me and Pull me into the sphere or dimension’ they were in for contact or communication. Due to family life- work and striving to be a ‘good moron-er mormon’; by the time I was 30- it had all but vanished; frankly leacving a terrible aloneness ands feeling I had to carry the universe and all the waves and unseen assaults completely alone. Althiugh working in the Temple was a Necromantic amasement. To say Temple mormons are not necromancers whether they know it or not is ignorant folly at best. But- other than very few close calls and experiances- things which were such an almost daily event making wondering aboout actual schitzophrenia- dried up and went away.
Over the last 2-3 years I have landed solidly in so called LHP land; and trying to get my former ‘gifts back’— mind you; all these events happened WITHOUT any action on my part- not even a prayer or thought, just someone showing up and saying “Hi I am from the Cult of the Black Lamb- we want you to come to our gathering tonight in City Cemetary” or walking through my wall and ‘trying to make me listen to sence’. no ritual or effort on my part. but now; spending hours in mediatation chanting Zazas Zazas… calling upon Baal Adad, Abaddon, Abigor (who pulled me into his realm too say hi . but , now; when I would so like to have a Real Group of Worthwhile Comrads and Companions with whom i would be so happy to work— nothing. I feel like I am mummified in Steel Strapping and sealed in a leaden coffin buried in a hole blown into granite and filled with concrete. I think that is killing and draining power more than the “viscisitudes of life”.
With experiances of having these thing come without calling (which i think means something, but what) reading and studying ‘Black magical’ texts which instruct all kinds of ritual eleaborates but ending up in a net with no fish— I gotta tell ya; this is an outer darkness which makes any threats of hell forever pathetic small taters! (Alien Abduction issues aside- but could they have fkt me up?)
Anyone with somewhat the same experiance who can say- "Hey; here is how I blew the leaden coffin out of the ground and became free of the strappings- quick fast and wonderfully!"
I am reading E A’ kingdom of flames- and living in utah at the same time and finding that --fk; what the hfk went wrong? and don’t blame weed!"
At one point; I was wanted- ( I just didn’t want to be ) now I am appearantly unwanted-[and worse seemingly UnNeeded !!] and want to be.
More than happy have some help and answers.
You said it yourself. “I feel like I am mummified” and “I think that is killing and draining power…”
If you believe your power is being drained, it will be. If you feel like you are mummified your powers effectively will be.
Your salvation lies in a perspective change. If you are truly studying LHP, put your attempts to contact other beings aside for the moment and spend more time concentrating on self-actualization techniques. You need to fully define the self so you can see what beliefs you have that are making you feel the way you feel, then change those beliefs.
My guess is you still have a part of you that is afraid to let go of your previous faith, but honestly only you can figure that out. One way or another, I do believe there is some kind of internal block stopping you from trusting yourself. Trust me, though, the one putting the block on you is you.