Bizarre journal of Themon, entry: 1

Journals, Group Rituals & Free Readings
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Hey everyone! I originally started this journal just for myself—you’ll see that in the first entry—but I thought it might be nice to post some of my updates here too. Maybe I’ll get some advice along the way, and it could be fun to track milestones as I go.

Very quick background (which I might explain more later, assuming I don’t disappear again): I’m still a beginner. I know that sounds odd since I’ve been trying to make all this work for about five years now—spiritually, that’s probably debatable. So don’t expect wild, movie-worthy stories like some people here, like Lucia’sOfficial. My experiences are pretty tame. I just thought it’d be nice to share what I go through and occasionally hear other perspectives as I write.

(Also a lot of what I write is rewritten from chatgbt, if anyone has notice or is wondering just because as I write there comes a point where it’s just incoherent ramblings.)

10/01/25

I’m starting this journal to track my experiences and hopefully figure out what works for me and what doesn’t. To sum up my summer of 2025: I spent a lot of time practicing clairvoyance. There were moments that felt meaningful, but nothing as big or direct as I imagined. I haven’t had a true one-on-one experience with spirits—no clear sightings or full back-and-forth communication. Most of what I pick up comes as feelings, flashes of images, or quick words. I still struggle to tell what comes from my mind and what doesn’t. I think my ADHD makes that harder, especially since I often struggle to meditate consistently.

I’m writing today because when I sat down to practice clairvoyance, I felt unusually agitated. This happens often: during the day I do a lot of work, and by the time I get to magic, I’m burnt out. I don’t blame myself for being tired, but I also don’t want to fall into the habit of slacking when magic sessions only take about fifteen minutes. It feels ridiculous that I can play two hours of video games but hesitate over fifteen minutes of practice.

When I forced myself to sit down today, the feeling was worse than usual—emotional, not just fatigue. I let myself take a moment to breathe and reflect on why. I realized I was approaching it with pressure, like I needed to fix my entire life in a single session to make up for not reaching my big goal. In the back of my mind I was spiraling: if today’s clairvoyance session didn’t go well, then maybe it never would. I’ve felt that same pressure before when I practiced art. I was too focused on the end result. Over time I learned the classic advice—to love the process, set smaller goals, and have faith—but it’s interesting to see I’m repeating the same pattern now with magic.

I think it was Alan Watts who said that once meditation starts to feel like a chore, you’re missing the point. I agree, though I also think it’s a balancing act. Meditation and magic can be both discipline and relief—it doesn’t have to be only one or the other. Being aware of my problem helps, but I still feel anxiety when I try to set smaller goals. Honestly, it’s hard to define what a “small goal” would even be for me right now.

My current plan is to get a solid handle on clairvoyance before diving into anything else. I feel like it would help to actually meet and understand the spirits or worlds I’m working with face to face. I have done spells over the summer—small ones for specific needs—and I think they worked. But right now I don’t have anything I need to cast for. My life is pretty comfortable at the moment. So I’m focusing on clairvoyance again because it feels like a useful skill that will make everything else faster and clearer once I can truly communicate with a spirit and figure out what I’m missing or need to grow into.

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12/20/25

It’s been a while since my last real practice. I had to step away for a few months due to how demanding art school became. I did still try to meditate during the semester, but mostly just enough to keep the habit alive and clear my head. It helped mildly, but it was hard to focus deeply when I was constantly thinking about the cost of classes, the pressure to succeed, and the fear of failure that would keep me awake at night.

Today, with winter break finally here, I returned to practice—slowly. By “slow,” I honestly mean a bit lazily. I think part of that came from remembering how aimless and confusing this path can feel, and how demoralizing it is to have no clear plan or structure. That feeling alone made it hard to start.

I eased in by watching a video on fear from Satan Son’s YouTube channel. It was a good reminder that improvement comes from trying, and that failure isn’t something to avoid but something to embrace. It’s a lesson I already know, but one that’s easy to forget. Especially lately.

After that, I opened Apotheosis by Michael W. Ford. I procrastinated for a while, just staring at my computer screen, then read a bit. I felt unsure where exactly to begin. The book gives an overview of terms and concepts rather than step-by-step instructions, which left me feeling slightly lost. That may be intentional—everyone’s path is personal—but it still fed into my sense of confusion. As an art major, I also got distracted by the margins and kerning being off, which I found amusing more than irritating. Not a criticism—just something my brain latched onto.

Eventually, I decided to keep things simple and meditate rather than overwhelm myself with rituals or expectations. My mind felt fried, and fear was very present. I almost gave up again, but chose to stay and sit longer.

I didn’t formally call on any spirit. I think I was avoiding that because of the usual “what if” thoughts. Still, Lucifer kept coming to mind. I had the sense—subtle, not dramatic—that what mattered most was simply showing up. That giving attention and time, even when it feels unfocused or stagnant, is the core of the work. That thought helped ground me.

Looking back, I think today’s biggest mistake was procrastinating because I was trying to force things to work and be perfect—both in practice and in my understanding of the path. That perfectionism only made me more closed off.

I still feel disappointed by how clueless and confused I feel, especially considering I’ve technically been a beginner for years now. But I’m trying to hold a more optimistic perspective: as long as I’m doing something, I’m moving somewhere.

The fear video mentioned that every master in any field carries more failures than novices. They’re considered masters not because they avoided mistakes, but because they kept trying despite them. I want to remember that.

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12/26/25

Today actually feels like progress.

Not in a dramatic, movie-style, “seeing spirits face to face” kind of way—but in a grounded, eye-opening way that feels more real and lasting. I revisited an old Reddit post I made about a year ago, back when I was close to quitting. The post was about my frustration with not seeing results or receiving clear responses from spirits—something I still struggle with today.

Looking back now, I’m honestly surprised I didn’t fully understand what people were telling me back then. There were a lot of genuinely helpful replies. One in particular—by constant_geologist—really opened my eyes to a core issue in my approach to the Left-Hand Path.

Ironically, I came to the LHP seeking freedom and self-empowerment, yet I was practicing it through a Catholic, authoritarian lens. That realization hit hard :sob:. I think this came from how I was raised and from my own perfectionist tendencies. I was micromanaging everything—trying to find the “optimal” path, the right rules, the correct way to do things. While that mindset isn’t always bad, here it completely missed the point.

Instead of empowering myself through self-work, I was unconsciously looking for a spirit to do it for me. In a way, I was surrendering my power the same way someone gives themselves entirely to God—just under a different framework. That was never my intention, but it’s exactly what I was doing.

This realization actually made me feel a lot better about my past. I’ve been far too hard on myself. I discounted my growth simply because no spirit has spoken to me face-to-face. But when I really look at it, I have improved. Yes, I believe spirits have helped me in small ways here and there—but the main force behind every real change was me. Whether it was working out, practicing art, or pushing through mentally, I did those things. Mundane or not, they mattered.

The biggest takeaway: the primary voice I needed wasn’t external—it was my own. And that voice has already been doing a lot of work. Even without clear spiritual contact, I’m doing genuinely fine… and that deserves recognition.

The top comment by taalon1 also resonated deeply, especially their emphasis on finding your own voice. That hit on something personal for me. The Left-Hand Path isn’t about obedience, perfection, or external validation. There is no single correct path. No spirit you must follow by law. No cosmic punishment for doing things “wrong.” No rigid rules.

Your path is your own.

The power was never in the spirits—it was always in me. Spirits are their own beings. They can help, guide, inspire—but the ability to act, change, and grow comes from the self.

With that clarity, I can finally see small, realistic goals again instead of overwhelming expectations.

New focus: settle the mind. Detach from obsessive protection, control, and outcome-dictating. Let go of perfectionism. I plan to work on this through simple meditation and awareness—nothing forced, nothing rigid.

After this realization, I meditated and recited Lucifer’s enn, focusing on his energy—not demanding results, just opening myself to perception. I’m still developing my senses, but today there was noticeably more clarity and energy. It felt cleaner. Less strained. Less desperate.

No grand visions. No theatrics. Just clarity—and that feels like real progress.

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@Theman I’m sorry but it is against the rules of this forum to link to outside communities and forums. This is to prevent outside drama from spilling over here as has happened in the past.

One link removed.

The relevant rule:

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I identify with your struggle. I am still working on detaching from a fundamentalist Baptist viewpoint of perfectionism, as well as my fear of being punished for not doing things just right. It’s hard.

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January 16, 2026

Today I came very close to something significant—at least, that’s how it feels.

For a while now, I’ve been practicing basic meditation to calm my mind and learn how to enter trance states. Through this, I’ve discovered many things about how my mind works. I won’t dwell on those too much here, as they’re mostly practical Buddhist insights and personal observations.

Today, however, I decided to work more deliberately with my senses through evocation. My intention was twofold: to deepen my experiential connection and to communicate with Lucifer, the spirit I’ve been attempting to work with.

At first, it was difficult. My mind resisted settling. But as I continued sitting trusting myself and the process, I gradually loosened up and slipped into a deeper trance. I began to feel sensations I hadn’t experienced before—yet strangely, they felt familiar, though I can’t fully explain why.

There was a fiery, confident feeling throughout my body. The air in the room felt heavier, denser, almost charged. I had a strong sense that my intuition—my gut—was guiding me, directing how I should proceed. I saw brief flashes of unfamiliar imagery that didn’t fully form into anything recognizable. I felt suspended between being awake and asleep.

At one point, my bedroom seemed to subtly morph or shift around me. It wasn’t frightening—if anything, it felt oddly enjoyable and immersive.

Although I didn’t experience a full-bodied evocation, I did sense communication in fragments—short phrases like “perfect job” and similar impressions. Eventually, feeling that it was late and sensing a gentle nudge toward rest, I thanked Lucifer and formally dismissed the presence.

Even after doing so, I still felt a lingering sense of connection.

Emotionally, I’m overwhelmed with joy—almost childlike excitement. I haven’t had an experience like this in years, except at the very beginning of my path. The only comparable moment was when I first committed to this practice and felt a sudden surge of energy, during which I briefly perceived the outline of Baphomet etched into my vision.

FINALLY SOME ACTION.

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