As I said, there is no removing these feelings and emotions but there is acceptance. I am able to tell myself, “I am aware of these feelings I have and I am going to let them pass.” with anxieties, fears, doubts etc. As I am aware of these thoughts in the conscious mind, I am able to let them pass without clouding my headspace. Let them flow down the creek instead of lingering on them
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Now I feel the flow of energy in my heart chakra. It gives me time to think. How then do I open myself up to being invisible and loving myself?
Return back to the source and back to my order of operations.
Paimon, Shax and Labolas are now bound to my will but in my eagerness for answers, I tried to do a QnA with the 72. I got my answers from the first four before I stopped. So now, I must start from the beginning all over again and bind Bael next.
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Throughout the operation, I could channel Labolas and hear, “Are you willing and ready to confront your shame and hatred?” To which, I had replied, “Yes”.
”I will no longer let shame and hatred dictate my fate”
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I see now what I refused to accept when I was a heathen and practising Rokkatru.
Becoming as spiritually stagnant as I have been for the past 5 years or so, I stopped the shadow-work. I stopped accepting the dark psyche. I began to reject the ideas that I had these darker sides and would overthink the intrusive thoughts from the darkness within.
Its as if every single guide I have had on this journey told me the same thing. But I was to arrogant and stubborn to listen.
Fenrir, who was bound to his chains because the gods refused to accept him. Fenrir, who is telling me, “Don’t end up like me, a slave to your instincts. Don’t end up like Odin or the others who bound me because they couldn’t accept that same instinct.”
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Then we move onto our “Godself”. Our aspects. Call them avatars if you will, call them whatever. We all have a godself/higher self.
Like the moon, mine shifts and changes and has shifted and changed since my journey. Once, I was Mani-hence the username, another time I was Khonshu and if we go far back enough; Chief god of the Sumerians, Nannar-Su’en.
With the Goetia being Caaninite and Israelite entities, it then makes sense to me that Nannar-Su’en is but one of the aspects of my higher self.
That’s if you even believe in the idea that Abraham was originally from Ur. Which makes me wonder, why then would Abraham take Yahweh with him and not the chief of the pantheon from the city he was from?
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To struggle with the acceptance of the self. She told me this around the same time that I conjured Labolas up. Again we face the dichotomy of yin and yang. Positive and negative. Freyja, who eminates positive energy, Labolas who eminated the negative energy.
I never did grow past it. I never took action. I never heeded her advice. Instead, I relied solely on blind faith that through Freyja, I would get what I wanted. I see now that she was telling me the same thing.
But lets stop to think for a moment. I have worked both with Freyja and Lady Lilith in my life. To me, Lilith is the opposite side of the coin. Both are maternal. But Lilith? Lilith is Freyja in the shadows.
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I think I just became content to just walk around ignoring my spirituality. In a way, I became secular. I focused more on the material and less on the mental. I tried to convince myself that I no longer needed to keep working on myself.
I tried convincing myself that I had done all I could because I was “enlightened” but when are we ever fully enlightened? There is more to learn always. More to learn about the self, more to learn about magick and about different entities and deities.
I guess, it really began to happen when I finally reached my 20s. It wasn’t that I lost interest, it was just now I had employment, now I had responsibilities. I let my physical life get in the way of my spiritual hygiene so to speak.
I relied on one of my old friends to essentially do the spiritual stuff for me. In a way, I kind of blocked myself off from everything. I stopped meditating, I stopped the breathwork. I stopped the focus and because of that, I allowed myself to be consumed to the shadowself, to the few goetia I had the pleasure of working with.
It’s only now that I look back on my past, here on this forum that I can see I was being true to myself back then.
Sure, I’ve grown up, I’ve learned from my mistakes but when did I start caring about what others think of me? When did I start hiding my roots in occultism? Why then did I start spouting about buddhism and how I had learned “the point”?
It’s because I thought I knew everything there was to know. It’s because people were scared of me.
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Fleeting as the connection was in a brief meditation with Freyja, I have received knowledge from her.
My statuette of her, acts as an offering itself, if its a way to strengthen my connection to her then so mote it be but at the same time, I cannot rely soley on having her idol for connection. I must connect to her within.
Likewise, she has given me answers on this new journey I’m on.
”You are on the path we have set out for you. Learn to accept all parts of yourself and to love yourself.”
Hail, Valfreyja.
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Lastt nights logs:
And so I see a thread connecting me to her statuette. I feel her energy same as ever. Flush in the cheeks.
I feel as if I stopped resonating with her because I wasn’t getting the romantic partner from her but now I know, it’s not about gaining or removing my desires, it’s about connection. Its.about connecting to her and by extension connecting to myself.
Now this tether is different to the the tether to the book. This tether feels like less of a bind and more of a connection to her.
She has always been maternal to me. I never lost my connection to her, I lost connection to myself.
Another ad shows in relation to the occult. A sign? Maybe. Synchronicity? Possible.
Todays Entry:
The ability to become invisible…its to understand as things are. To just accept that you are you and that’s that. That’s the positive but the negative to now becoming invisible?
Now you want to be seen. Now you crave the spotlight and to be seen by everybody.
“Look at me! Why can’t you see me! Why can’t you see who I am!”
You act out, you grow prideful and arrogant. You become riddled with ego. As such, you do stupid things just to get noticed.
Even in jobs, when you try to get noticed for good work, you lose sight of everyone around you and focus only on getting the promotion, on pleasing the bosses but even if you are noticed, you become unlikely to get the promotion.
They want someone who doesn’t draw attention to themselves. Someone who focuses and is good at their job. They dont want brown-nosers and kiss asses. It is all linked.
I see now and am aware now of why my order of operation required me to bind Shax after Paimon and why Labolas was next.
That gut feeling…its hesitation. It’s my subconscious mind saying “i dont want to remove my desire to be seen” it’s “Why should I bind this energy?” While the conscious mind knows that Bael’s energy needs to be bound.
Because if it isn’t? I’ll never move up in the world. I’ll be stuck on wanting to be seen and wanting others to see me.
In my dreams, my house becomes overwhelmed with cats. I see a youtuber I watched and admired and wanted to be. We became friends and I was even featured in one of his movies and we joked around about me becoming a “Psycho Stepbrother”.
The cats are significant in a three-fold way. Freyjas association, Basts clear association and lastly, the most obvious one in my mind, Bael.
The dream of the cats taking over my house I interpret as allowing chaos to take over my life after having his portion of my mind unlocked. Without redirecting the energy, I become “visible” for lack of a better term.
I become subconsciously aware of a desire to be seen and “discovered” without buckling my head down and doing the work in order to be seen.
The lines from Halo resonate with me. “You have been called upon to serve. You will be trained - and you will become the best we can make of you.”
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The kings of the goetia essentially act as your “foreign advisors” if you will. You are the king of your own temple but to learn how to be king, you must ask the kings, "How do I lead my people? How do I lead my army?
The Goetia act as your legion, your army but an army is only as strong as its king. The mind is no different. How then do you become king of your own mind? You ask questions from your advisors.
People who practise demonolatry argue it’s abusive to command the goetia. I beg to differ. The goetia are your army. They need to be commanded like a general commands his soldiers and if your commands aren’t made, your army becomes unruly, disorganised. Soldiers will instead follow those who are next in command instead of you.
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I will be binding Bael in the coming days. Sunday seems the most likely as I’m at work for the next couple days. Last night before sleeping, I see the number 444 which symbolises protection and that you are on the right path
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I see now what Shax was trying to teach me all those years ago. “Don’t be blinded by love”.
Every conscious thought I had, every desire I had in my being was that I needed a partner to be happy. That I needed someone to complete my being. That is why he was around me all those years ago; not from an incomplete operation but from the back of my subconscious. I was scared. I was terrified and thus, I lost sight of who I was.
I lost sight of what it meant to be me. I lost sight of my kingdom. I lost my mind constantly trying to find a partner. I lost my mind and deluded myself that everyone I had romantic feelings for, was likely to have those feelings back.
And how did I act out? In anger, jealousy and self-deceit. I acted out by basically allowing the shadow to control me. By allowing my desire to blind me. I stopped paying attention to all that I have built. I kept essentially saying, “This is my kingdom, you can have all you want in it.” I sabotaged myself.
In my conversation with Shax today while at work he explained it as such.
Me: Why were you responsible for blinding me?
Shax: Because you were looking for something that wasn’t there. Does a king invite harlots into his temple? No, he invites a queen. You continuously brought harlots into your temple and I wasn’t going to accept that. Only now do you see through binding me.
He wasn’t telling me that my desire for a partner was wrong, he was telling me do not be blinded by your desire for a partner. In a way, its a reflection of what Freyja would always tell me, “In time, all will be revealed”.
Upon the realisation of what he was trying to teach me all those years that I rejected him, I noticed my heart chakra was immediately opened! I could feel the energy inside of my chest moving around.
A chakra I thought wasn’t blocked. Upon the awareness of it being opened, a song began to play. “Free Bird” by Lynard Skynard. Because I am “Free as a bird”.
A bird does not think about getting partners. A bird flies around and enjoys flying. A songbird, accepts itself and sings songs.
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Pardon my ignorance, this “weapon” he needed for the operation, its a metaphor right? The weapon being his will to confront these darker parts of the psyche or is it something else entirely?
Then I ask myself, throughout my path and my experiences with Thoth/Djehuti, is Shax the demonic, chaotic side of Thoth? Both appeared at the same time of my life. Perhaps then, in a UPG it is revealed to me that they are one and the same.
Thoth helps you with knowledge but when you lose that knowledge is it him that takes it or is it Shax that takes it from you?
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No, it was an actual magical weapon, in this case, a particular staff.
Like all magical tools, the “weapon” is a focal point for energy and is seen by spirits as symbols of authority. Blasting rods, swords, and staves are the ceremonial magician’s arsenal for controlling and subduing darker entities.
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I see, thanks for the clarification, it’s helpful.
I suppose then with this, the book could act both as a vessel amd as a weapon? Because I write what dictates my fate and not the otherway around. They then become characters in my life. Characters that I could then easily change.
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So far in this journey, I have slowly learned more about myself. I’ve learned of the illusion I had that a partner would complete me.
But there’s more to it. In this desire for a partner, I would peacock. I would try to make myself as noticible as possible to anyone who could see me. That then only attracted someone else who also peacocked.
My ex never brought out the best in me, she only strengthened my shadows. She only strengthened the parts that I refused to accept and as a result, I became blind. I lost sight of myself. I lost sight of my kingdom. Instead of trying to improve my kingdom, instead of managing my kingdom, I instead put it all out on a silver platter to hand over to anyone willing to bite.
As a result, I drew in what I attracted. I drew in someone else who also wasn’t managing their kingdom. Only by maintaining and improving my kingdom can I invite someone else in who has also maintained and improved their own kingdom and only then, only then can we have a proper courting and courtship as king and queen of both of our kingdoms.
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I tried to emulate my master/teacher. The one who first introduced me to the goetia and to demons. She tried to warn me that opening the vessel would invite chaos into my life and that I should focus on meditation and connecting to other spirits as well as to try and have an understanding of myself.
In my desire to do what she did, I ignored her warnings. I ignored having safeguards in place, ignored doing the cleansing and banishing rituals because I wanted to be like her. I put my master on a pedestal as if she didn’t have her own shit to deal with.
As a result, when I opened the vessel, when I contacted my first Goetic spirit, I opened myself up to all the chaos it would bring.
Asmodeus was the first. I focused only on calling him into my own temple because I wanted to control lust, which I thought meant my desire to have sex. There were others around me but I only ever noticed them, I never called them or gave into what they could bring; Shax being one of them, the other being Furfur.
Of course, the chaos wasn’t going to show itself immediately but I would give into the illusion that through binding Shax, I am now aware of.
Yes it takes the student learning from the master but how then did the master learn? The master learned from their own experience and they don’t wish for their student to make the same mistakes.
Unfortunately, the student in their desire to emulate the master, inevitably makes the same mistakes. Only now do I understand eight years later what she was trying to teach me. Now, we can share our experiences as I share mine with her, she tells me her own experiences and whether or not the bindings were similar.
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As I hear in my mind, as I commune with the few I have binded, the vessel which was open and you could say, part of my instincts in the psyche is a simple, “We’ve kept you alive haven’t we?”
I think that is Labolas more than likely. My whole life I’ve dealt with anger. Not in the sense of anger issues but I’ve sort of, allowed anger to fester in my life. I can’t tell you how many times I’d get angry over simple things like my wifi not working or someone not understanding what I tell them or likewise, at work when someone tells me to do a task that I’m already in the middle of doing.
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Keen to hear how you go with Furcas. I have some suspicions about this one. The only Saturnian spirit in the 72 and the only of the Knight title. I find it curious and my gut tells me that this one is actually at the zenith of the hierarchy. Just my suspicion, though. I don’t have much to base it on other than intuition and the sense that an overlord would want to be recorded as the only unique spirit among their kin.
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