I’ve been working with a gang (or is it host?) of demons on a personality/life overhaul. And, a couple days ago, a few cognitive pieces fell into place and during a combination ritual/board meeting, my emotional balance shifted.
I feel like the most relaxed crazy person. Marbas and his minion army finished tearing me apart and rebuilding. It was like having a DBA dive in, clear out the shit, demolish the structure, and renovate the heirarchy in a growth pattern. All of the fibromyalgia tracks are gone. GONE! Nothing causes anxiety, fear, anger unless I prefer to allow it. Its like having a door I can open to use the emotional tools without them pouring out in a torrent of rage, or terror. The sense of impending doom is gone. I can focus my will and sense energy expand anywhere in my body warming me as soon as my heart rate begins to increase; I can alter/arrest a biological arrousal pattern from attaching to a negative emotion by using an analogous positive one. Startled by screaming? Turn around smiling to assist the incompetent little humans; facilitating and modeling calm, courtesy, kissies all round.
I’ve been studying law (natural/biological and commercial) with Belial and Marbas, and all the pieces were suddenly clear. My life/mind just zoned out and organized its self. For the past couple days, I have had no back tension, rather a tingly feeling throughout my body. When the children complain, it doesn’t bother me, no irritation. I have an inviolable heirarchy of rules now, with all the non-negotiable acts included. Because I mismanaged my personal life so badly, I have to take more extreme measures to realign it.
Their maladroit childish behavior is a result of immaturity and a lack of tools, so its not personal and I have no cause to take offense. On the other hand, I am teaching them to navigate the public civilized commercial world, so neither are spankings personal, only business. And, since we humans learn through pain and heal through compassion, I can now discipline them properly. If it requires pain, it is accompanied by reassurance that the munchkin is a wonderful person, and made a mistake. Lots of hugs, holding them, smoothing their hair while they cry. No berating over the error from me, no whining permitted by them. No more tantrums. They are comforted and move on without rude comments or competing for the final say because there is no hostility. They simply align their will with mine because I am God and its all a pack of lies and bullshit for their own good. And patience, good humor, unconditional positive regard are paying off in spades because they are absolutely consistent. Laws/contracts/agreements may be renegotiated occassionally, but actions cascading from my laws are imperative; Bedtime at seven means x, y, z must occur and in order. Possibly bedtime may change as all contracts are living and move (regardless of what is on paper), but the steps that equate bedtime - pajamas, brush teeth, story, good nights - do not move. In Latin that’s: Actus legitimi non recipiunt modum. I love it. Pouring through maxims at night with my friendly dictionary. Thanks, Gnosis!
I can prioritize my day. Every task now cascades from the ones above, and I don’t have a “feeling of failure” for missing details or entirely forgetting to complete tasks. There is no longer any drudgery to the day; laundry, cleaning, shopping, are enjoyable and pleasant. I don’t have to rush or worry about anything. For the first time, I can choose my emotion AND its intensity level. My favorite new one is joyful anticipation and gradually opening that door feels fantastic.
The point of that ramble is that to achieve it, I destroyed my connection totally to both of my progenitors. I killed them. Nice people, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. The ritual killing was completed in stages and wildly different for each person. Several demons provided input for completing it in the astral, as well. The first stages required emotional release (more like shredding filth from every cell) and active blood. To seal it, I burned locks of hair from each, and added ash with powdered menstrual blood. Aftering killing and severing all connection, I cleansed the affected areas with crushed and inhaled desert sage, juniper, and rose hips. I added the artifacts my familiar provided (I have a familiar, now. Hah.) and buried them deep in the garden. Severing the children was easier. And I didn’t curse them. More like shifted the balance to “I owe you nothing,” changing my status from a whiny, argumentative debtor to a parent, an authority; The Author of my offspring with total control. The only free will they now have is to follow me. Which pleases me greatly. “In the presence of the superior power, the minor power ceases.”
Suddenly, I can see more clearly how insubstantial everything is. Its almost hard to take anything seriously, but now its been actually exhilarating experiencing detachment. Everything is trivial.
Now, that’s power. And a mind at rest.
Its about time.
I wonder when I’ll need to sleep again. I wonder what I’ll do with my life.
------The nicest part:
After this breakthrough, I expected to come down with a severe respiratory infection as the last bit of the healing phase; fully resolving the conflict. Sure enough, the next morning my chest ached with congestion, my sinuses began to rid themselves of the additional tissue. And a book I never read, just happened to be laying there flipped open. The book: Nutritional Healing. The page: Bronchitis, list of supprementary nutrients and the herbs required. To my surprise, I had alternatives for each. From the garden, green and red leaf lettuce for chlorophyll, vitamin C, dandelion blossoms, mint. For steam therapy, boiled rosehips, desert sage, juniper. Tea, more rosehips. Raw milk. Raw local honey. It had rained overnight and ALL the roses had bloomed simultaneously out my window. Lovely way to wake up.
I have never been in the midst of a severe healing crisis without being a whiny, shrewish, hysterical person. I like the new me more.