Last night I performed a ritual where I used the sigils of Asmoday, Lilith, Bael, and Lucifer. During the ritual, I paid attention to the environment and how I was feeling. I felt like I was nothing, that I had nothing, and that I was alone in darkness. Strangely though, I believed I could sense the energies of the demonic sigils as well as seeing them in my head; not sure if it was my imagination but I did get a more vivid image of Lilith. When I felt like I was nothing, that I had nothing, that I was worthless, one name kept coming in my head and from my mouth over and over: Belial. I kept saying his name over and over.

Before I began practicing magick, I enjoyed reading and learning about the demons of demonology. From what I researched about Belial was that his name was a Hebrew term used to describe someone as wicked and worthless which is probably why his name kept appearing in my head. Similar to Satan, he became the face and symbol of evil and darkness.

I then discovered that Belial was the first demonic gatekeeper when I discovered Become A Living God. At first I was skeptical about the books because One, I was still new to magick and getting away from the fear created by religion and Two, I was not sure if I was ready for something like the demonic gatekeepers but now I feel like I am being called since I feel like a blank slate as if I am the darkness itself and I am the one that needs to say Let There Be Light but I don’t know how. It could be possible that Belial is calling me or something else. But now I think I want to start working with Belial. I plan on using this forum to journal my progress and what I have learned from both Belial and myself.


July 29, 2021

As I was going around my day sulking over my life feeling worthless. I suddenly discovered the face of my slave master. My fear and lack of confidence created a thoughtform that was the worse side of me. He was weakness incarnate and he wanted me to give up my power to take life into my own hands. Every thought that appeared into my mind he always had something to say. Problem was that was all he was: all talk, no action because I was the one who does everything. It needed me to give away myself because it has no real power. It tries to make every excuse for me possible not to take control over my life but when I ask it why, it could either not give me an answer or an answer that was not logical. So I told it I had enough and I am not listening to you anymore.

I would like to believe that Belial made face what made feel uncomfortable because he knew that my fear was not logical or realistic. I noticed this when I saw myself in chains but now I don’t know it feels like the chains just went away. I will admit I still have fear but I am teaching myself not to become a slave to it. Because my fears were now just illogical. I used to believe that Belial would not work with me because I was weak but now I am starting to see it as false information.


July 30, 2021 How I met my inner demon, Two-Face
Before I began reading and researching the occult and practicing magick, I tried to be part of the spiritual “WOKE” community. I watched people on YouTube who were known as spiritual, woke, and seemed to know more than I do. I then stumbled upon angel numbers. Unfortunately, it became an obsession and I traded one matrix for another. I had to be in control of my thoughts and not let any intrusive thought appear because thoughts seem to create my reality according to some. Pretty soon I began to lose control of my mind and I felt a compulsion to obey every thought that appears because the numbers said so(This was a foreshadow of my inner demon I named…Two-Face). If repeating numbers appear when I have an intrusive thought then it does not matter what I think or feel or believe because the number(angels/divine) said so so it must be true. If I say otherwise, then I am in denial or in the way of the divine, or if I say no, then I am BELIAL(weak,homophobic,biphobic,transphobic,misogynistic,sexist,ignorant,bigoted,in denial, worthless) any horrible thing to make me feel guilt, shame, and doubt to make me submit. It was never up to me, it was never about me, if I don’t do what the voices say, then I will be society’s target and face of the wrong. All that mattered was that if I do as I am told, if I submit, if I do and be everything the voices say then I will be happy. But that was all a lie, instead I felt weak, regret, and pain for giving in to the voice as well as other people’s standards and beliefs about me because according to the voices, I was nothing, I was weak, I was worthless because I did not and will not do what the voices say. As I was doing this self thinking about what I was experiencing, it reminded me of the Batman character Two-Face. Harvey Dent was a district attorney who was suffering with a mental illness of a split personality called Big Bad Harv who represented his anger, rage, and aggression. Then a freak accident happen which led to half of his body/face horribly scarred which bonded both personalities into Two-Face. Now Two-Face relies on chance(the coin) to make his decisions and without the coin, he can’t make a choice. This is how I felt. I relied on the voices, the “divine”, the angel numbers, the voices, anyone who to make me their bitch. Instead of making my own call, my own choice, I let the opinion of others and my inner critic to make my decisions. Now that I have taken away the coin, my inner demon who I named Two-Face lays in agony tortured by the intrusive thoughts in his head:“am i straight, am I gay, am I trans, am homophobic, am i, am i, am i, who am i, tell me, I can’t make a decision, please tell me who am i, I can’t, it’s too much, the voices won’t stop but I can’t make a decision, they say it will make me better but I can’t I just can’t I can’t say no or else, HELP ME, THEY WON’T LET ME GO” He lays trapped in his OCD, unable to make his own call without being influenced by others even though their opinions did not match his. I was dependent to the coin and without the coin, I could not make a decision without intrusive thoughts and illogical fears and phobias getting in the way. But I don’t want to rely on the coin anymore. I don’t want to be a follower anymore, I don’t want to be somebody’s bitch anymore, I don’t want to be a slave anymore. So I am going to continue on fighting and ignore the voices. Even as I am writing this, the voices are loud, but I don’t listen to them anymore.

August 8, 2021

As I go through out my day, I have been doing some self checking and trying to enjoy life. I notice I never let myself enjoy life and as a result I did not really have one. My life was basically work, work, and work. Even magick became work because I was so impatient to get power and I soon learned why: I never knew what real power was. In my entire life I never knew what REAL POWER was. The only thing I ever saw that was called “actual power” were political and economical. But as I began to think like a philosopher, I learned that money has no real power nor does political status. It seemed that actual power seemed to only be real on tv and video games. When I gave up being a follower and started to aspire to become a sorcerer, I felt like I had nothing and I was nothing as well as feeling empty with a hunger for life, power, knowledge, and pleasure. This feeling reminded me of vampirism: to drain the energy from another. Vampirism was always on my mind when this feeling came. Perhaps it may be a path to follow.