July 30, 2021 How I met my inner demon, Two-Face
Before I began reading and researching the occult and practicing magick, I tried to be part of the spiritual “WOKE” community. I watched people on YouTube who were known as spiritual, woke, and seemed to know more than I do. I then stumbled upon angel numbers. Unfortunately, it became an obsession and I traded one matrix for another. I had to be in control of my thoughts and not let any intrusive thought appear because thoughts seem to create my reality according to some. Pretty soon I began to lose control of my mind and I felt a compulsion to obey every thought that appears because the numbers said so(This was a foreshadow of my inner demon I named…Two-Face). If repeating numbers appear when I have an intrusive thought then it does not matter what I think or feel or believe because the number(angels/divine) said so so it must be true. If I say otherwise, then I am in denial or in the way of the divine, or if I say no, then I am BELIAL(weak,homophobic,biphobic,transphobic,misogynistic,sexist,ignorant,bigoted,in denial, worthless) any horrible thing to make me feel guilt, shame, and doubt to make me submit. It was never up to me, it was never about me, if I don’t do what the voices say, then I will be society’s target and face of the wrong. All that mattered was that if I do as I am told, if I submit, if I do and be everything the voices say then I will be happy. But that was all a lie, instead I felt weak, regret, and pain for giving in to the voice as well as other people’s standards and beliefs about me because according to the voices, I was nothing, I was weak, I was worthless because I did not and will not do what the voices say. As I was doing this self thinking about what I was experiencing, it reminded me of the Batman character Two-Face. Harvey Dent was a district attorney who was suffering with a mental illness of a split personality called Big Bad Harv who represented his anger, rage, and aggression. Then a freak accident happen which led to half of his body/face horribly scarred which bonded both personalities into Two-Face. Now Two-Face relies on chance(the coin) to make his decisions and without the coin, he can’t make a choice. This is how I felt. I relied on the voices, the “divine”, the angel numbers, the voices, anyone who to make me their bitch. Instead of making my own call, my own choice, I let the opinion of others and my inner critic to make my decisions. Now that I have taken away the coin, my inner demon who I named Two-Face lays in agony tortured by the intrusive thoughts in his head:“am i straight, am I gay, am I trans, am homophobic, am i, am i, am i, who am i, tell me, I can’t make a decision, please tell me who am i, I can’t, it’s too much, the voices won’t stop but I can’t make a decision, they say it will make me better but I can’t I just can’t I can’t say no or else, HELP ME, THEY WON’T LET ME GO” He lays trapped in his OCD, unable to make his own call without being influenced by others even though their opinions did not match his. I was dependent to the coin and without the coin, I could not make a decision without intrusive thoughts and illogical fears and phobias getting in the way. But I don’t want to rely on the coin anymore. I don’t want to be a follower anymore, I don’t want to be somebody’s bitch anymore, I don’t want to be a slave anymore. So I am going to continue on fighting and ignore the voices. Even as I am writing this, the voices are loud, but I don’t listen to them anymore.