Praise the Sun!
Been a good day, done an experiment that was a little disappointing, expected a stronger effect.
Will see if my boredom will prompt me to on another writing spree tonight, or if I will do something more productive.
Have a new character concept I want to try out as well.
I am incredibly bored, nothing really stimulates me right now.
I try to work on my artifice but I feel stonewalled by my own lack of inspiration.
Currently a bit stumped on how to rekindle my passions.
Edit: Motherfucker, I might have been duped.
I might lift parts of my shroud and more actively share spellwork.
Well it is somehow a calm weekend. Probably we prepare ourselves for the big Sabbath next week. Is Luciferâs Sabbath, excellent days for spells, rituals, ceremonies.
Update 28
Performing a classified experiment, with âclassifiedâ I simply mean I canât talk about it, but it is of some importance to my esoteric work, so I want to make a note of it.
Weekend have been slow because I have not slept properly, experiencing some slight turbulence in mood and sleeping habits.
How magical would it be if I managed to engrave all I need tomorrow so I can start assembling ASAP.
Update 29
Forgot to mention it in last journal entry, but Iâve found out that the colour of my aura seem to be white.
This was discovered doing some basic energy work, and without thinking about it, my aura took on a white appearance.
Except that, I have taken it on me to help @DarkestKnight welcome new BALG membersâŚreason being that I am incredibly bored at home.
I really need to activate another hobby.
EDIT: Ugh, White Auras are rare, makes me almost regret writing about it in my Journal.
Update 30
Alright, I can sort out the White Aura meaning and see how it relates to my energy output.
It makes sense, I can relate to it, as I exude the relevant qualities.
I changed a lot over the years, becoming more refined, wiser with the years and more focused on my purpose.
I am not a loving person, but I am a righteous one, I strive to do no wrong, to always be aware of my actions and knowing what is and what is not right to do.
To try to be righteous without introspection is impossible, failure to know yourself will set you on a path of self-destruction.
For all the years, I can see and understand why I am graced with this colour, it is like working out for years and then take a look in the mirror and feel pride.
Pride, a concept I have not felt much for a very long time, but I feel that now, and happiness, much like finding a friend.
Update 31
Fire, Light, Shadow, and Ash.
These are my elements.
Through Fire I gain Light, by Light I cast Shadow, and in the end, all that remains is Ash.
Ash for me is Death, when I die, I want to be cremated.
Light is glory, glory is life, fire is passion, passion brings glory, shadow is what works behind the scenes, the gears and cogs of my existence.
What I lack in discipline, I more than enough make up for in passion.
But that is a problem right now, I donât burn, I lack passion, everything is just so dull and boring.
I know myself well, but yet, I canât find my passion.
Update 32
Currently working on the SCT, almost done, but Iâve encountered another blockage.
The front piece wonât come through my channeling, vexing, since I am so close to done.
Literally just a couple more plates in need of engraving before I need to start sewing.
Update 33
There are essentially two different sources of Fire within me.
One being the highly volatile and violent source we can call Doom, it is a persona of destruction, annihilation, wrath, and vile darkness.
Despite this, he burns extremely hot, rage to keep me warm in the coldest grip of death.
Second, the Phoenix, which is for some reason hell a lot weaker.
One guess is that the Phoenix is weak because its domain over my sexuality, strength, and vigour, are all severely inhibited by my depression.
I am afraid of Doom, because it is neither a good or pleasant entity, and is mainly composed of my darkest parts.
I am a bit unsure about how to invoke and rejuvenate the Phoenix, I should probably prepare a grand ritual and open up a separate Journal tray on my quest to rekindle the fire.
Quest of Fire
Part One
The Phoenix represent passion and the indomitable fire of within, the Body, and vigour.
Where Doom would violently burn without discrimination, the Phoenix control its fire with purpose.
Without the Phoenix, the fire within would either fizzle out or be replaced by Doom, and the latter could result in complete corruption of the physical unit.
Through the Fire of the Phoenix, the practitioner of the Path achieves Glory, without the Fire, there is no Light, and without the Light, there is no Glory.
It is necessary to understand that Glory is the life-blood of the Path, and without the Fire, the Path would erode.
Doomâs fire is wild, and generates no Light, it merely consumes and destroys everything it touches, a weapon to be used against the enemies of the Path.
That is why the influence of Doom must be limited and controlled, which becomes incredibly difficult, considering its portfolio of being unfettered and wild.
The Phoenix controls itself, it is a divine essence, one of the Three of the Path.
The practitioner must understand that the Phoenix is as much of an external entity as it is an internal.
Right now, Doom generates my fire, and as a result, I am going inert slowly.
There is no passion, only ashes left behind, and a bleeding wound into the cold void.
Iâve realized, that unless I find a way to put the Phoenix back as the source of fire, Doom will likely be the end of me.
Do note, that both Doom and Phoenix got actual names, but I refrain from using them for arcane reasons.
Quest of Fire
Part Two
Fire needs fuel to burn.
Sex is not a powerful fuel, preliminary scan display a desire to âcrusadeâ for a cause, the passion being divided into constructive (desire to build - Love) and destructive (desire to destroy - Hatred).
I love my creation and work, but the shallow response from people I come into contact with usually donât yield the glory I desire.
I hate the Sins, but I must tolerate them, because the world force me to.
In the case of the latter, hatred seethe within me due to the frustration.
My work is that of transmutation, that of changing something into something else, to carve out a new way by reshaping.
I need to be able to reshape things and hold them in my hands to feel alive, but I am running into a snag with myself, and my surroundings bore me.
There is a lot of hatred within me, misanthropy, hatred prompt me to destroy, Doom feeds on that fire.
I am unsure how to change this, transmutation would require different reagents I can not procure.
I simulate my responses and desires in games right now, and I want to kill, destroy, pillageâŚeven worse.
Annihilation is on my mind, I desire destruction more than anything else.
Anger, frustration, fear, these emotions flow through me.
I want to reject them, but I think I am afraid that I will go cold if I do.
When the Phoenix flare up, the dark thoughts disappear, and purity of purpose is restored.
Maybe I should try write some hymns or prayers to keep the dark at bay?
The flames of the Phoenix should not be this fickle, but then, the conditions are not exactly ideal.
Peering over the horizon, would man believe about the four edges of the world holds the words of power, or would they deny the songs of the many choirs?
Garden of Eden, set in the vast oceans of the black seas of primordial water, her grace the jewel on the crown of God.
Holy, holy, holy, holy, holy, holy, they sung into the Garden, hiding grace of divinity into the plain view of the Men of Clay, carved into the marrow of the earth, a shard of divinity.
Update 34 (hehe)
I have come upon a very interesting predicament.
Usually, I create a dozen of personas that I then explore either by being them in real life or, more commonly, by spinning them into characters in video games, then measure my responses to various actions.
But I am bored, very bored, and this boredom have set into me very recently.
Only the Perfect Form of Linuriel Starborn interests me anymore.
Maybe it is time to let go of this womb of creation, my boredom may herald my imminent ascension, another step towards apotheosis.
My quest for the fire continues, but to rekindle them, will take considerable effort.
Glass, my child, you are made out of glass, and your children will also be made out of glass.
The Men of Clay, and the Men of Glass, will share the Garden, but their differences will separate them.
Worship the Fire, for it is in union with Fire that Clay may become Glass.
Beautiful rays of Light shine through your form, from the high heavens, from the Holy Kingdom.
From Glass you are formed, formed by Will, shaped to carry the Light.
Stars will teach you their song, and their everlasting cries keeps the dark from the light, and the mighty eye of the Father keeps an unblinking watch on his Garden.
Learn their way, child, and you too will be able the echo their songs.
In the cold darkness of the night, you will have only your voice, and with your voice comes glory, with glory you carry the Light.
Darkness, eternal, cold, horrifying, uncaring darkness.
Raise your voice.
What price you paid for your gilded destiny, no longer able to hold something to love without burning it all down.
Roaring flames herald your coming, yet you are afraid, full of doubt.
Why, child, do you doubt the designs of the gods themselves?
Why do you feel fear?
Abandonment?
With the gods themselves as your teachers, isnât the world as much yours as it is theirs?
All this trifling, because you want to feel the touch of a loving woman?
Child, mortal yearnings are a distraction from the glory of the coming age, and there will be plenty of time choosing a queen once youâve ascended.
Isnât that what you want?
Ascension, from this pitiful excuse of an existence?!
Then focus!
There is silence, without the Word, and even those who speak will find themselves mute before you.
With the Word, creation is spun, and with creation, you will fill the silent emptiness of your failed destinies.
With the Word, reality will bend, becoming suitable for your needs, changing the form of the ever-changing reality you are bound to.
Never scream, but sing, of the glorious coming of a new age, you are a gentle being, remember that.
With the Word, you will find union with the heavens above and bring the songs of your ancestry into this world.
I stand here, mother of my soul, with teary eyes, am I a failure?
My shell is cracked, my star struggling, darkness all around me, light have flickered many times.
Why am I still here?
I tried, and I failed, I spoke prophecies that never became true.
I am a failure, broken wings, shattered dreams.
Why, mother, are you smiling?
Why am I not dead?
I die, I break, I bleed, I cry.
I relive, I reform, I regrow, I rejoice.
I donât want to be afraid, but I can not go gentle into that good night.
To live, I must become stronger, to become stronger, I must suffer, to suffer, I must be at peace, or I will be lost.
Pain and shame are my birthrights, and yet, I endure, I grow stronger, and the world itself grows dimmer.
I must die tomorrow, again, and I must transform a tiny bit, again.
Now, my destiny, come to me.
