Every so often, I have dreams that either take place between 6th or 10th grade. They always involve kids I grew up with in school. At least till Sophomore year when I transferred schools.
The themes are pretty standard. Some are happy, involving fun and flawless socializing. Others typically involve tension, guilt, or conflict in general. I had a complicated relationship with these kids. I didn’t know how to socialize, play with, or relate to them. It made me feel isolated and pretty much alien. It was frustrating. As an adult, I’ve developed a skill in explaining these feelings to others. But back then, I didn’t have the same communication skills, so I turned to aggression and teasing. I was especially harsh on the girls. Imagine not being able to communicate with kids your own gender, and then now you’re developing an interest in the other. It sucks, especially when you don’t think you’re not attractive.
Then there was Helga. Helga was a girl who came to our school early 8th grade. She never did anything to me, but I still teased never the less. Mostly cause other guys teased her. She was kinda the bad girl. I don’t remember how, though. Instead of getting to know her, I just joined in the antagonizing. Despite the fact she showed an interest in me, even admitted it. Though I thought she was only teasing.
Every so often, Helga appears in my dreams. She’s either flirting around with me, as if I actually explored her liking me. Or she’s antagonizing me for some reason. Not that I’d blame her. I feel very guilty over how I treated the girls during that time period. Her especially. I’d say she represents that guilt.
This dream was one of those where we argue are mock each other. Eventually after class, I decided I had enough. I approached her and said “Hey, I wanted to say I’m sorry for how I’ve acted. Anyway, welcome to the school.” She smiled flirtatiously and said “Aw, that’s sweet! But you’re too late.” And yeah, I was. The damage is done.
People often say that I was just a kid, and that this behavior isn’t uncommon at that age. However, I feel like that my bad luck with socializing, especially with women, is due to bad karma. It’s like my actions during that time period have set up a karmic debt for me to pay. I feel a desire to make up for my behavior by actually having a positive relationship with someone. However, it feels like the universe just wants me to repay the karmic debt by having me suffer to what appears To be no end. So it keeps worth while females out of my grasp. The only ones that actually have approached or stayed with me have been more so toxic, taking advantage of me in one way or another Or causing anxiety. So truth be told, this is why I have a fear of women. It’s like the universe is constantly reminding me of my past when I just want to make up for them. It’s like the shame wizard from The show big mouth.
I want to work with Lilith to undo this karmic cycle. Or to work with belial and become someone too clever, too powerful, with too strong a presence for women to ignore. Either reconciliation or conquest. But it feels like my only means of changing my present is to erase the events of the past.