Am I doing something wrong?

I don’t get this life at all. Like really fuck this life. I have everything a person would want. I literally bought a 2018 Honda car on Sunday. Brand fucking new, it’s my dream car and at only 20 years old too. These panic attacks are getting too much for me. There are times while I’m driving I just want to swerve and end my life. I feel like I’m cursed or something. As soon as something good happens in my life boom something negative comes with it at the same level. I think I have a type of bipolar disorder. I’ll go to 100- 0 in a blink and then right back. I’m trying to be a good person by own means and I’m sick of trying. There’s something inside of me that wants to smack the fuck out of someone, that wants to do every single drug known to man, that wants to fuck every girl, that wants to be just completely evil, cruel and just primal. I don’t know what this is. It’s eating me up inside and it feels like I’m making progress, but I always end up exactly in the same space. All that work and effort for nothing. At work I bust my ass and people don’t notice. I’m in construction so when people get to me and start pushing my buttons it wont be much effort to get my hammer and do something. Why am I having these thoughts? Who hexed me? Who cursed me? What did I do to deserve this? I’ve tried to be fair with everyone and now I’m thinking fuck this whole world. They make me sick, so sick I don’t want to breathe the same air, I don’t want to be on this planet anymore. I feel like an alien. I’m never happy and not even in the slightest content. Why couldn’t I be born normal? Instead of this sickness ruining my life on a daily basis. This isn’t my first time ranting on here and it won’t be my last unless I end it. I have like 3 or 4 posts of me basically saying the same thing. What’s the point? I’ll rant and type this post, then tomorrow I’ll forget it. I’ll be good for about one month and then I’ll rant again. I’m sick of this fucking cycle, it’s the same thing over and over and over and over again. I’m sick of crying, not being assured in myself, sick of being overlooked, sick of being alone, sick of not measuring up. I’ve been thinking lately that there is absolutely NOTHING stopping me from ending it or just throwing my life away. If selling my soul was an option then fuck it where is the line? I’ll sign it. I don’t want to end this life without fully experiencing every earthly pleasure possible. Fuck it, honestly I would take 20 years of heaven on earth then everyday being a living hell for me. I don’t care anymore, and I’m just making it worse with all the negative energy I have. I’m suprised good things are still happening to me and that I’m still able to function well in life. This life is a sick game and I’m begging for whoever or whatever is doing this to please stop. It’s too much. What cruel being or person would do this? Haven’t they had there fun watching me suffer? If anyone has read the Bible then you’ll know the story about Job. Right now I’m feeling exactly like him. Fuck trying what’s the point? I’m sorry for bringing this whole forum down. Everyone on here is trying to become there best version of themselves and I’m here bringing y’all down. From the bottom of my heart I apologize and hope that I don’t in anyway stunt your growth or ruin your journey. I think I might just leave this forum permanently. It’ll do more good than bad I believe.

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Steve, is that you?

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I don’t get it.

I understand, I have moments where I feel incapable of dealing with life. Remember two things, you are always alone, and you are never alone. You will continually carry the same sadness, but you must approach things differently. Instead of fighting your pain, bath in it, learn to rest in it, to meditate in it. Do not punish yourself by resisting your own emotions, in doing that you harm yourself further. Rest in it, find peace somewhere in it, transmuting your negativity into something new raw and powerful, that may be used to strengthen yourself and others around you if you choose. Once you can calm yourself within these emotions you will be able to free yourself from the need of staying in them.

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What do I use all this energy from emotions for?

It depends, I use mine for creative outlets, or labor intensive work. Basically anything that requires undivided attention.

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I really appreciate you trying to help me, but sadly it didn’t help me one bit. Thanks though. Really though thank you

I hope for the best!

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Get help and medication. I’m bipolar and it was hell before I actually decided to get myself on track.

I really dont have any goal in live, but then I found occultism, and then I ended up here and learn, and I found a new meaning in life.

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I agree with @Tattersail. I think if you feel like something is going on, chemically, it’d be a good idea to hit up a specialist that can help balance that out.
But I’m sort of a fan of saving pills as the last resort… so I highly suggest hitting the gym. All that anxiety and anger and disgust gets completely drowned out by the rhythm of your feet against that treadmill or your fists against that punching bag. It gets out that excess energy that makes you feel all unsettled through physical activity. It really helps because in those moments it feels like I am acting on those impulses of anger where you just sort of want to kill someone (or maybe that’s just me hehe…).
Get active. Itll get it out of your system and make you feel empowered. That way it’s not all weighing heavy on your mind as much.

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Do some salt bath and regular meditation, vipassana I would recommend. I think it is the universe/nature telling you that good and bad luck are part of the same coin and one should learn to remain indifferent to both of these. Happens to old souls.

If still not satisfied do one banishing, cleansing ur environment and an uncrossing ritual to be super sure.

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Get a hobby

I can sorta relate, I hope u figure it out