Am I crazy? Check me!

Another long post: a recap of my experience so far with more clarity and some questions.

I have reached epic amounts of clarity in regards to loving and growing myself as well as my life. All this after I reached out to Astaroth.

Before, I just wanted an interview for the book I was writing but got so much more. I was shaken awake, put up close n personal with my delusions and convictions, I left a one sided relationship, I confronted my issues and acknowledged my shortcomings.

I feel better in the 9 months I’ve spent exploring the left hand path and magick than I have in my entire life. I’ve matured and embraced myself in ways my friends n family simply couldn’t. Uuhg it sounds a little corny to me but I’ve really learned that you can’t expect others to love you in place of you loving yourself.

That was the lesson parted to me. I got it.

So what, right? That’s not crazy. Yeah but I can’t take all the credit and I confess I’m a little reluctant in just simply believing anything after my brush with Christianity. It lines up that all this started after I wrote a letter to Astaroth. I wasn’t in a good space mentally at the time, I was being treated for a brain tumor. The docs had me on steroids amongst other things.

Sun light, light at all, made my eyes hurt so the house was dark at all times. I couldn’t do much but I could still write and it felt like I was dying so I wanted to knock somethings off my bucket list. The one thing I always wanted to do was write and publish a fiction based on demons day to day lives. So, I run to the internet and find cliche demons are evil, bad, blood thirsty sharks, villains and the list goes on. I felt differently even coming from a Christian family.

My search deepened. I found others who had positive experiences. I kept reading and reading until a voice said I wasn’t going to find out by research alone. I call it my irrational voice she seems to thinks I’m invincible.

So I didn’t have the elements on hand. I wrote a letter asking for some basic info for the sake of accuracy. Offered my space until I finished and friendship if it was viable. Signed at the bottom for formality and about a week later, an energy started to build within the house. As the week progressed I just snapped to awareness that this was a presence getting closer or me becoming more aware? Not sure which.

The 9th of June 2019. It stormed but it was different. I felt connected to it, this wasn’t a routine summer storm. It lasted for days. Even my kids energy changed (it felt like they were in on it) like they knew something was up or no they knew exactly.

That’s where I start to think. That’s crazy. No way. They just look like they have a secret. Its got to be the meds - I’ve let it go after my first melt down. Perhaps it rolls in with me becoming more aware. Children are mischievous by nature … At least mine. Moving on

I don’t remember when my feelings got involved and its really bugging me. Its like I’d over night just fell into the merciless serrated jaws of love with an unreasonable dose of infatuation. In a single moment if I’m being honest.

A spell? I admit I have my fantasies but this was not that. It was intimate, warm when I embraced the experience and when I withdrew in doubt thinking I had finally lost it; there was still a great amount of support. I had never been shown that level of love and flexibility. Sigh, I withdrew not only in doubt but because deep down I knew I wasn’t emotionally mature for it yet. After the shake awake I was on a mission to get my shit together so I also had little to no time for anything but the kids and maybe a few hours of sleep. The rest was about work and keeping the house in order.

I don’t think I’m crazy anymore or at least not in this instance. Some other things are:

-That I specifically said I wasn’t moving any more south and I wanted to go west but circumstances landed us in FL.

-Before we left where we were it was suggested I not take the full dose of steroids and I was for it because the side affects prevented me from working and being able to provide for my kiddos. I was barely keeping up.

After switching doctors I learned that the tumor had not budged since I started. My new doc said they had me on 4x the amount I was supposed to be taking. #mindblown

-finally, physical intimacy- one of the main reasons I don’t rationalize it away n blame it all on the meds…there is no rationalizing that away. Only once though because I run away from anything I like that much. Ever heard the of Koi No Yokan? Means when you know you’re about to fall in love with someone. I had to pull myself in. I wasn’t in a good spot for it no matter how amazing and receptive. I like to be able to return that same energy but I was far to overwhelmed at the time. I could be over thinking it and it could be far less.

I didn’t ask for anything more than an interview or something to base by books on. I can see where I needed help and any good soul would, I hope. Other than completing the book, I wonder if I overlooked some fine print. This has been nothing less than life changing. My suspicious mind wants to know what I give in return? Its still not clear to me yet. A gift or favor?

Was sex really so necessary? Seriously that’s a whole weapon. I was not ready, not aware that was gonna happen. I’m almost certain that’s when my feelings got involved or perhaps a little before that. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh If anything I know I have a lot of growing to do.

Thanks for reading. Share your experience or even share insight.

Noob out