Also one important thing I would like to mention is that I have a very raw sexuality which I’m struggling to control, it is destructive and perverse to a large extent.
I must be in a good mood from meditating all day 'cause I’m giving away some secrets. There are two methods to dealing with unwanted/problematic desires and you can use them both concurrently or separately.
The first is the Tibetan/Hindu approach - extremely effective. Basically, you do a series of meditations built around releasing the unwanted desire and resolving the karma (accumulated weight of patterns of thought/behavior, etc) that got you here. Unlike the Abrahamic approach to this problem (repress, deny, sublimate, give up, transgress, repent, repeat) the Tibetan and Hindu approaches to these problems actually work.
The second approach is guaranteed to royally piss off everyone with a conventional, respectable occult initiation, and if you experiment with it, don’t tell anybody about it. Let us begin with fundamentals–
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All desires are thought-forms. They are energetic forms built up within your own mind. Since all energy is conscious, these are living beings. If you pour a lot of energy into them - like lust, or anger - they develop a will to be - a will to become manifest. The more you revisit them, the stronger they get. Once they develop the will to be, they will eat up your mental cycles by breaking into your thought stream and demanding you revisit them. This is where obsessions/compulsions come from.
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When you start doing occult work, especially meditation, every intense desire you ever had going all the way back to early childhood will come to the surface. Things you completely forgot about. Basically, now that you’re learning how to convert thought-forms into experiences (magic) - all these ancient, forgotten desires suddenly realize they have a path to materialization, so they all scramble to the surface and shout, “Me too! Me too!”
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The most important thing to realize is that desires aren’t YOU. Many disastrous calamities can befall the young magician who mistakes his desires for himself. The second most important thing to realize is that most of these desires are not contemporary - it’s something you wanted intensely for a brief moment when you were, say, eight, twelve, fourteen, it doesn’t matter. The third most important thing to realize is that panicky feeling you get when you think about giving up a desire or habit is not coming from you. It is the fear and resistance of a living entity that has developed a will to manifest and doesn’t want to die. Again, desires ain’t you. Indulgence will not fulfill you, neither will abstention deprive you. The only thing that can experience fulfillment or deprivation is the desire itself–and desire ain’t YOU. That’s why desires must be put in service to Higher Purposes, Bigger Plans, Better Reasons, Dharma, etc. Mythologies around sin, obedience, and shame have really screwed people up on this.
Now this is the naughty part. Desires you don’t want can be re-appropriated and used to become symbols of things you DO want. The unwanted “false” desire can be burned as a sacrifice to a true desire. Just like you make a sigil the symbol of a desire, you can make a negative desire a symbol for a positive desire. This is forcing the demons to build the Temple of Solomon.
Let’s say you have a recurring sexual fantasy about Suzy Swimsuit that upsets or offends you. You also have a magical desire for a new car. You spend a week or so building the desire/thought-form of getting a new car. Then you spend a week or so encoding the desire for the car into the form of the Suzy Swimsuit fantasy - just like you would normally encode a desire into a sigil or image. Now the Suzy Swimsuit fantasy is the symbol of your will to get a car. You abstain from all sexual outlets and release during this time to build the intensity and finality of the ritual. Proceed to the good ol’ wank method while fully indulging your Suzy Swimsuit fantasy, only now you sacrifice all the the built up energy and desire of your Suzy Swimsuit fantasy into the car. All your desire and feelings for Suzy are burnt up in service to your will. Suzy dies and you get a car. Make sure you understand that you are killing Suzy and burn up every bit of fear/desire/emotion in service to the car. It works.
Many make a big deal out of the supposed psycho-somatic boost of violating taboos in ritual. The fact is, you can get that boost without physically engaging in any activity that violates your personal morals/ethics, screws up your karma, or harms yourself or anyone else. Only caveat here is that Suzy Swimsuit shouldn’t be based on a real person - she should to be a fantasy character you devise yourself. That way the feelings you direct toward her won’t accidentally be linked to a real person.
