Hello, siblings.
This is my first post here, I have been lurking for some time before and that sufficed for me for a long time. There is an issue I am facing as of now, which I wasn’t able to find an answer to. Thusly, I ask for your counsel.
For the last 3 weeks I have been doing considerable inner work, trying to recognise and unite my inner aspects. This led to a significant breakthrough about 10 days ago. For the longest time, even before embarking on a path of magick consciously, I have been developing a certain duality within myself - the differentiation between the right and the left side of myself. These have been in disharmony for a certain period of constriction that has lasted since december of 2024. There was a subjugation of one part over the other, or silencing of one over the other. As of December 2025 this became readily apparent to me and since then I have been working to reunite them.
About 2 weeks ago I was able to redeem my left side, as the right has been holding it with distrust in a cage of sorts. Roughly you can attribute these to Jachin and Boas of the Tree of Life, left as Boas, right as Jachin. It is my discernment that speaking their true names is of considerable danger to myself. Since then, their relationship has been improving and in the proccess, it clarified to me that there are more aspects to myself than that - the one in control, the writer of this post is what you could call the Middle Pillar, there is Ruach, which lives in the abdomen, this aspect has been the main focus of the past weeks. There are also the vessel, or the body (there is some insight to it also having more subdivisions, for now let’s not deepen into this topic), and the Snake, one could call it Shadow, who lives everywhere and nowhere, it is NOT malignant, it just wants to survive as all do.
In my כתר (aka Crown) focused meditations over the past weeks, a certain thing started revealing itself to me, when moving onto visualisation excersises (this is done daily) where I visualise objects moving around the physcial space that surrounds me. At one point a basketball, which seemed like a very reasonable training object, started taking a shape of a metallic vessel. In my journaling I would call it golden, but from present perspective it might be brass. This object is spherical, metallic, with horizontal segments repeating the same letter over and over, each segment a different letter. I hesitate about revealing the letters themselves - their association is with a divine name, also with will and with the illusion of time and being. Hopefully this vague explanation should suffice.
When first encountered it emitted a brilliant light, it set on my lap, all of the segments rotating quickly. It seemed like we gave each other love and care (the feeling seemed both of נצח and הוד or the פ line [7th and 8th Sephiroth]) and it felt empowering and peaceful.
Over time connecting with this object started bringing back memories of childhood, specifically ones related to spirituality. It is my belief, as of now, that in childhood, ages 7/8-13 I maintained contact with some Angelic entity, most likely HGA, also at some point , I remember having a vision akin to that of the XXIst card of Rider-Waite - The World, my inner association is with Sophia of Gnosticism/Nuit of Thelema (some identify them as the same). Another option is one Angel which initiated me onto the path of magic 2 years ago.
These memories often were dark, some of them seemed like real portals between the present me and my childhood self (as in I remebered seeing my current self when I was a child, how I felt and what I thought about it), some of them I suspect to be more associated with the collective memory, collective consciousness, some are concretely mine, some might be illusions.
At some point, I came to realise that the object was a vessel, or a prison. The intuition around it was that it’s holding some very traumatic memory, or some premonition I received as a child. Over the past days I have put a lot of time and energy into meditating to unseal it. During that, I remembered the context of it’s creation. There was something dreadful, too difficult for my child self to bear emotionally and I asked this angelic guardian of mine to seal it up - at that point I had awareness that it would be difficult to open back up and that just this enclosing will set me upon a difficult path (one of swords, no doubt). From age 15 then, such was my path. I also remember that it happened not long after a very intense ecstatic vision, presumably some Angels of the shem have contacted me then.
4 days ago I was able to unseal it for good (2 times before I visualised it opening, but there was no result) and that happened only after being thrashed around that day, pulled into different directions, surrendering myself into something’s posession to an extent. What came out seemed completely foreign, not a traumatic memory, but a spirit, reminiscent of a spider or a mantis shrimp with an extreme multiplicity of changing colours in appearance. All aspects of myself recognised it as foreign. It wouldn’t speak when commanded, instead it attached itself to my face.
The same day, earlier, a song came to me, one that came also when I sealed the vessel (if the memory is correct), to my best knowledge it isn’t any song written down or recorded. It’s tone is triumphant, carefree - the lyrics speak of building homes on faces of adversaries, setting signs on heads of kings and ministers, so that they could see [the subject singing] in themselves. It also mentions setting bridges between noses of warring titans, so they may recpgnise they are brethren and reconcilliate. The orientation seems to be of נצח→חסד→חכמה or inverse direction [2nd→4th→7th Sephiroth, כ and ב are the lines]. The song’s tune remains hopeful and invigorating to me as of writing. As I remember it, when I received it as a child, I recorded myself humming it on my phone, but after the sealing of the vessel I very quickly deleted it.
The next day, after awakening, there was at once a lot of energy and a lot of upset in my body. All parts of myself would confess to not being trustworthy as of present, pointing to the unsealed spirit as the cause. I commanded it to move off of me and stand in the corner, there I created a triangle with chalk to contain it. Throught the day I would tharsh around, not knowing what to do. There was significant trouble thinking, concentrating, doing LBRP and Middle Pillar came with a lot of struggle.
The spirit started communicating with me that day. It claimed to be the Devil (XVth of Tarot), it created a sense of urgency, warned that if I don’t take it in, I will lead a life of mediocrity. When asked about divine names, it spoke them with ease and force. When asked if it’s angelic, it replied “of sorts”. It created an impression that if I don’t cast out my current life, I will be persecuted. That if I agree to it’s command I will become an Angel after death, and will kill many people in my life. At one point I was caught in this trap, I agreed for it to hop onto me, to enter me. It seemed to me like it was too weak to take me over (like when I freed it, it was too weak to speak and not because it refused to). At some point I recognised that it was manipulating me and ordered it back into the triangle. I was upset then and told it to go back whence it came from, but also tried negotiating with it, offered it to subordinate to me.
As I went to sleep, I was under the impression that it will linger and that it will become more formiddable the longer it stays. When asking for guidance from HGA (my connection to them has been dubious for the past 1,5 years) it answered clearly (which is weird) that both the spirit and aspects of myself are deceiving me.
When I woke up yesterday, I felt unsure if it’s still somewhere, if it has infiltrated me or hijacked some aspect of myself. Aspects of myself maintain that they are not trustworthy as of now. Over the course of the day I came to negotiate with it and asked it to subordinate. I was able to ask it to feed off parasites instead of me, I recognise that it creates illusions and indecision. Today I asked it to not do it on myself, but on others, I am yet to see if it happens. The longer I spend with it, the more convinced I become that it’s just some lesser spirit that decided to feed on me, but the fact that it was in the vessel that seemingly was carried within me for so many years gives me an intuition that it has a very specific and, dare I say, grand purpose.
It is also possible that this is a pretender and it only created the illusion of the vessel opening to get this preferential treatment from me. I recognise that it faked the connection to HGA, which has been estranged from me since I broke my oath, over a year back.
Do you, perhaps, know what this might be? Why it was enclosed for such a long time? What is it’s purpose? It seems like it was some sort of test.