So after an experience in high school, I’ve basically grown distrustful and cynical about people. A few weeks ago, I had a panic attack. What brought it along was feelings of being alone, feelings of me fading away into nothing, and questioning whether or not life has enough in store for me to keep me around. I remember getting some metaphoric mental image of myself being sucked into this dark rainy hole. In truth, I’m somewhat a hedonist, so I judge the quality of life on net pleasure. Yeah, life won’t always be easy. You’ll be challenged, force to experience pain of some sort, but that pain should be balanced by pleasure of some sort.
I’ve realized that my distrust and cynicism is actually what takes away the pleasures of life. Life is about community, making new friends, and getting out of your comfort zone to experience new things. At least that’s my form of hedonism. I usually wrap my self in some metaphoric darkness, rejecting the sun’s light. Yesterday, I experienced that sun light for the first time in years.
I remember before that whole shit in high school, darkness to me wasn’t connected to such anger. It was a natural part of the day night cycle. It was connected to things like curiosity and a desire for more and more. I originally gotten involved in magick so I could discover something and share it with others, not to isolate myself.
To summarize, I’ve learned that to live isolated and distrustful/hateful towards others over the events of the past is no way to live. We may draw breath and remain conscious of our existence, but we aren’t actually alive unless we lust after life as we did as children. The world is harsh and not always fair, but that doesn’t mean we should give up our ideals. Our individual lives don’t mean shit. We are our ideals, the things we fight for. So we must fight and rebel against life’s cruelty to remain compassionate, curious, and enthusiastic. Once we stop, we have already died. We ascend to higher planes not to separate ourselves from this world, but to better embrace it. We must find a balance between light (unity and whole) and darkness (self and individuality). Otherwise, what we fought for is already lost and HE wins.