(Warning: The following contains sarcasm, smart ass comments and fuckery of all kinds. Uncle Jac does not care to get into a debate with you over his alcohol fueled love rant inspired by an earlier TMW post he made. This is a bit of mirth away from the seriousness of life with some real life lessons along the way. You are a magician so you should be able to discern what you need to learn from this. If the only thing you learn is that Uncle Jac is a jaded asshole, well you learned something. Congratulations. So let’s leave your seriousness at the door and strap in.)
Gather 'round peeps and let Uncle Jac tell you about love. It is a wonderful, magical experience that makes your heart beat faster and the sun shine brighter. They can do or say no wrong and everything is perfect …where you never fight nor do they steal the last slice of the pizza…because you are a team…and have unbreakable bond…
…so half of what I just described there is the bullshit portrayal of love that is in all those romantic movies. Let’s take a step back and go through the stages that seem like love but are not. Then finally, if you are brave enough, we will get to the big enchilada…and I’m serious about that pizza line. Watch that person like a hawk because pizza is delicious.
You pretty much wanna see how long you can make them count ceiling bumps while you do some bumping of your own. This isn’t about their needs, it is about yours. One and done then out the door. However, therein lies the problem.
Whose door are they going out of? Are they going out of your door? A hotel door? For those more romantic of us, a garbage can door? If it is your own home, you lock that door when you go to sleep do you not? Why? Because you don’t want strangers coming in. Yet, here you are inviting some strange piece of ass into your house for a few moments of bliss or self assurance that you are attractive. All the while they are stealing shit from you. Great job.
Now for those of you who use anywhere else but your home, bravo. You care about your safety and security plus you don’t need a brick thrown through your window from a jilted lover. However, the fact that you think the brick throwing is a chance may mean you need to stop being so shitty with the real emotions of people.
Fact: Lust makes us stupid and targets for home invasion. Now let’s move on to an even more insidious sneaker.
This is a tricky bugger because you feel like you know this person and everything about them. You want the house and the picket fence with the 2.5 children sipping tea on your porch while you sing “I’m walking on Sunshine”. I’m not one to dissuade someone from the proper use of an 80s song but you are forgetting one thing. Do you even KNOW this person?
Do you know that they pick the jeans out of their butt like they’re in a battle with their ass constantly? Do you know about their clown collection when you have a fear of clowns? Are you aware of that closer than usual relationship they have with their siblings? Are any of these and many other horrors true? No. BUT YOU DON’T KNOW. You are ready to throw your lot in with them even though they may be planning the extermination of all labradoodles because they hate the name. Extreme, I know. However, it’s good to have goals.
As far out as those were, it raises a point. When you are infatuated with someone, it is not love yet. You cannot love someone you do not know anything about…have dates turned into marriage soon after? Sure. But they met each other first and got to know one another. Have there been shows where people have gotten married sight unseen…sigh yes…but do you really want to follow that example?
Infatuation is infatuation because we build up this person in our eyes and what they supposedly are like. What we don’t know is who they REALLY are. We have expectations, and that excites us for our potential sweetheart and those expectations turn into realities in our heads. Sounds kind of crazy? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and does complex arithmetic like a duck, it is a duck.
Now I know there are some nay-sayers calling me jaded. Hold onto your butts because I know there is also an infatuation where you know a person and this is a healthier form of love. Where you don’t require the old “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?” power play.
This kind of infatuation is healthier since you know about this person and what they like. You can turn this into a date as opposed to the secretive leering from a bush while you write your “fan-fiction” about you and this person being together. Sounds creepy? Quack Quack.
…now we are getting into the big leagues. Friendship is a healthy communication between two people who find they have things in common. They share laughs, joys and sorrows. Plus they actually want to speak to you! See the difference between the Stranger Banger and the “You’re my world now” people? You KNOW this person. This is how actual communication goes on.
However, friendship does not mean you can start buying doilies (is that how you spell it? Thanks spellcheck!) and matching curtains. It means this person has said your presence does not disgust them and they can bare your company for extended amounts of time (I’m a fuckin charmer, aren’t I?).
Friendship still should have low expectations of something more in the beginning because even now you cannot tell someone “You are my world” and not been seen as creepy. With this move you may be relegated back to the bushes with your pen and paper. Take things easy and accept this sign as their mutual respect for your ideas and time.
Now we are on to dating. Can you skip friendship and go to this level? Sure. You can also juggle knives without training. In my experience, those who skip the friendship part usually end up juggling knives but there have been people who are perfectly happy with their leap of faith. For the others the odds are quite low for success. Why am I being a Debbie Downer here? I prefer the term realist, thank you.
Dating, if you followed the friendship path (I’m not discussing the shitshow online dating can potentially be because frankly I don’t have the time) is where the real mating dance can begin. You dig them, they dig you and they don’t mind that you sneeze when someone with a red cape walks by you. They like those little quirks of yours and believe they can stand them in the long run. Bold move, Cotton. Let’s see if if pays off.
Even if a date fails, you can still go back to being friends. No harassing phone calls of “I WANT TO GIVE YOU/HAVE YOUR BABIES!” if you went straight to dating. There are a lot of nuts out there and may want to think about vetting dates through some local database of screwballs or international just in case they are some drifter off a train, plane, boat or auto.
Dates that go well…good…poorly…are a complete dumpster fire…whatever your preference is, according to your dependency level, hit the next level.
Now the real test begins. Does your significant other still think it’s cute that you drop air biscuits as if you are attacking a hostile nation? Does the way they brush their teeth still say “Come get me ya hot piece of ass”? Does their bathroom symphony still make your heart flutter? It better because this is the real world, people. Bodily functions, however impressive or nauseating, are a part of life.
This isn’t the movies where this stuff is omitted so you learn this is where you separate fantasy from reality. Sometimes reality can produce a stench that will knock an elephant off its ass…but you take the good with the eww.
I believe the relationship stage is where you really test your devotion to each other. The veil of ignorance is lifted and you find out what your significant other does when they are alone, because now they do it around you too. Hiding yourself at this point is just asking for trouble. So let those butt trumpets roar vigorously because they will hear it sooner or later.
Does a nose itch evolve into knuckle deep mining at this stage? Possible. Are you prepared to find out your sweetie bunny is a mucus miner? If the answer is yes, then read on brave soul. If it is no, go back to the top and figure out where you really fit in and what you are able to accept at this point in your life. This is the real nitty gritty folks and this is not the place for the weak of mind or stomach.
If you are able to see past the imperfections of this person and are content considering spending the rest of your lives together then guess what?!
You are full blown in love with this pile of skin. You are able to look past their obsession with unicorns and the fact that they like to blow their nose to the tune of “I Will Survive”. This is real love folks. Nothing this person does or can do, no amount of streaky underwear, will chase you away. This is unadulterated love because this is accepting the person and finding their flaws endearing. No one is perfect and accepting perfection when you youself are flawed is hypocritical. You don’t want to be a hippo, do you?
You still long for that romance in bed where two people make love and it is beautiful? No you don’t. That is for the movies. When we are about to climax, some of us look like cross-eyed baboons and may even sound like one…but you tap it like a keg in a room full of drunks anyway because this is love.
This person, who holds your heart and soul, is not perfect and they don’t need to be…because you have chosen them to listen to all the stories you will repeat and they will smile, nod or force a laugh like it was the first time they heard it. Because love is patient, love is kind, love is a four letter word that people can mistake a night with a hooker for.
Love is what you make it but love is not happily ever after without fighting or catching the other one looking at that ass that even makes you question your sexuality, this is real life. They may not be perfect but they are perfect for you and damn if it isn’t a beautiful fractured mess. But it is your beautiful, fractured mess.
Uncle Jac out.