So after my party on Saturday, I’ve learned a valuable lesson. Before highschool I ascociated darkness with the beauty of unknown. After some shit in highschool I was angry and basically held on to that anger for more than ten years. What happened to me wasn’t fair at all and deserves to be understood. That’s why I write. But after working on a short story class, in which a man tells about a childhood friend who committed suicide, I realized my trauma wasn’t as bad. I usually refer to myself as an outcast with poor social skills, but I’m starting to realize that I’m actually outgrowing that phase. Sure I have trouble conversing in new crowds, but with good strategy and abit of magick, I can get over it.
A few weeks ago I had a panic attack that made feel like I was fading. However I also wondered if that was such a bad thing. Ive since realizaed ill only fade if I let myself be consumed with hate and distrust. I was worried about working with dark beings out of fear of being tempted to do something I don’t wanna do.
However during the party, I realized when you choose to ascociate light or darkness with something negative, you’ll only get that negativity. And it can be damaging. You reap what you sow. Like attracts like. Feed darkness with anger, you’ll only isolate yourself from others. Feed it with curiosity and a desire to explore the unknown, you’ll grow and evolve so long as you move forward.
What I need to do is not let fear get to me. I have to embrace others as they come and not be bothered as they choose to go. My life and value isn’t decided by others, especially not by women.