So after dealing with what I suppose is a mini witch in training, I meditated for a bit and left an offering on my alter of alcohol again, since that seemed to have good results.
I had fairly normal dreams that were not lucid for probably the first half of the night, inlcuding one about shaving my head again, which I don’t plan on doing any time soon. Then everything changed I became aware I was conscious, blinked, and found myself in a hospital room, naked with a shitty hospital gown on. This was the same triggering place I saw before and in a panic I went to whip my head to the left to pull myself out, but I stopped when I saw the man again from my other dreams.
I could feel myself shaking and wanted to shrink into a ball, but given the setting I was torn on what to do. I felt angry and sad at the same time and I could feel my throat tighten as I desperately tried not to cry. He looked casual, leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets, just looking at me in silence.
I told him I didn’t want to be there anymore, but he looked like he didn’t care. There was a knock at the door and I’m pretty sure I let out a yelp because I was so focused on him. The door opened and I looked to the being for help. I managed to whisper a please and he shook his head. This is around the time I started to wonder if I just invited something into my life that just want to feed off of my suffering. It had been a long time since I had dreamt this since I learned how to pull myself out.
This dream is a memory on repeat from when I was forcefully institutionalized by my abusive mom as leverage in her divorce from my stepdad, though to be fair I was severely bulimic and a cutter. This was my intake exam to the hospital, where they document every cut and bruise on your body, and when a certain male nurse decided my recovery included his dick for the next 46 days of my stay there, 3 days on, 3 days off.
The nuse entered the room, introduced himself, started the usual shpiel. I looked to the nurse and back to the being in the corner, just standing there, casually watching. His eyes were more intense, like examining what was going to happen. I was fighting with myself, but I was going through the memory forcefully, saying all the things I said back then in response to his questions, like I did not know what was coming.
Every time the nurse turned his back, I tried pulling myself out, but I could not do it. I knew it was the being keeping me there. I was biting my tongue so hard to keep from crying. If this was just something to torment me I’d handle it in the morning when I could wake up, but I would not give it the satisfaction of watching me cry. I could not wait to banish this being and I kept thinking how fucking stupid I was.
“Please turn around, I’m going to document any marks on your back”. I didn’t say anything and just did it. I stood facing the exam table, my eyes closed, and kept biting my tongue. I could taste blood. The back of the hospital gown opened. I knew what was coming next.
For some reason, I opened my eyes for a second. The being was standing in front of me to my right side, still silent. He lowered his eyes to my right hand and there was a sudden weight there, and when I looked down, I was holding a black handled dagger. I felt nurse begin to pull my arm behind my back and something snapped in me.
I turned around and started wildly stabbing him. The neck, the chest, his face. I felt like an animal. My hand slipped on the dagger and cut my hand, and even as he slipped in his own blood and fell down I kept stabbing. All I could feel was that if I stopped stabbing, he could get back up. Blood was bubbling out of a wound I made in his throat and I kept stabbing, even as he stopped moving. My whole body was on fire, moving almost mechanically as I plunged the knife into him again and again.
Slowly, the fatigue in my muscles settled in and I slowed down, realizing how heavy I was breathing and how tired I was. I finally dropped the knife and slumped on the ground next to his body, realizing I had lost my hospital gown and was just sitting naked on the floor covered in blood. I started realizing what I did and had a small moment of panic. What if I’m not lucid dreaming and I just killed someone?
I heard a slow clap come from above me and looked up. There he was, the being that forced me into this place and had been messing with me for days. I still felt his opressive presence, but I could finally look at his face for more than a second.
“Who are you? Tell me your name.” I was pretty much begging at this point, gasping from the exertion of having just stabbbed someone to death.
He squatted down and grabbed my chin, sort of cocking his head at me as he looked me over. I wanted to pull away but I couldn’t, his eyes were hypnotizing. He smiled at first, which then turned into a grin, and finally he spoke, “You’re almost ready”. His voice was gentle, but not in a weak sort of way. More like a gentleman.
I then woke up on the floor next to my bed, apparently having flailed my way out from under the covers. This is why I think it happened in the later half of the night since my husband wakes me up when I get fight-y in my sleep, but if I was moving enough to fling myself to the ground, he must have already left for work by 3am. I had also bitten the fuck out of my tongue as there is an indent in the back of it that I’m pretty sure will turn into a canker sore.
But man, I feel ALIVE today. I have never felt anything like that. Its like my whole body electrfied with a level of strength and determination I have never felt before, and I say that as a woman who has birthed a 10lb baby with no epidural. I feel like a cloud that has followed me for years has lifted. I’m a bit perturbed with how easily murder came to me in a lucid dream, that’s a first, but whatever. I’m going to ride this high and figure out how I can thank this being. I was wrong in the dream, I don’t think its here to feed off of my suffering.
Hot damn I’m in a great mood.
