Hi there, I’m Tatiana. I’m going to be using this space to document my journey of trying to discover what is reaching out to me and hopefully, if it is benevolent, work with it. I’ll probably bitch about my schooling for Legal Studies and various annoying things my kids and husband get up to as well.
I’ve dabbled in magick on and off for years, but in this time of quarantine, I wanted to buckle down and add some structure to my life. Since my decision to go back to school I haven’t had a semester off from some form of structural grounding, seeing as I’m trying to speed run a Bachelor’s degree. This summer semester has nothing for me to take, and rather than become lazy and complacent, I’m stepping up my game and really striving for excellence in not just academics, but also my life.
A week ago, I performed a ritual asking for guidance and clarity. Not to any particular thing or being. I just sort of sent it out there and meditated. I wasn’t feeling anything and was about to put out my candles when I got a strong cold chill, like cold enough that I got goosebumps on my arms and legs. I sat a bit longer but nothing else came forward after that, so I chalked it up to the air conditioning. Afterwards, I asked my husband if the house was too cold and he gave me an “Are you serious?” look, then pointed to the thermostat which read 76 and the A/C was off. I thought nothing of it and went to bed, seeing as I’m usually a block of ice anyway.
That night though, I had the best sleep of my life. I’ve always had issue with nightmares, sleep paralysis, and lucid dreaming where I’m aware I’m in a dream but cannot control it. All these things make me feel like I didn’t sleep at all and I usually need a nap. I dreamt and was aware I was dreaming that night, but it didn’t drain me. In fact, since then, I’ve been sleeping soundly, not needing middle of the day naps with my toddler, and I haven’t needed to pound energy drinks all day for the first time in years.
However, each night I dream the same thing, and it seems to reveal more and more. The first night, I was in a dark room that seemed endless, like a void, with a single light source I couldn’t identify. In the room there is a wood-framed bed with a large trunk at the foot, and a standalone white bathtub seemingly not hooked up to anything. I looked around, squinting, and eventually I could make out the shape of a person standing in this void. The feeling of the room changed, heavy and my heart started to beat harder.
Then I woke up. Since this has happened, I have a libido again, which is cool, but I’ve been on antidepressants my entire adult life and the desire for any form of sex fell off after my last medication switch.
Each night, I meditate and see a little more of the room and this person, and I cannot for the life of me figure out if it’s my brain playing tricks on me. On the third night, it began walking towards me and I felt very small, as it seemed to be gigantic, but as it approached it looked like a normal adult male, like it shrank according to my response. I started to feel nauseous as it stepped into view and the light source.
It was a man with dark black hair, olive skin (though that may be my mind filling in the blanks, both my husband and I have olive skin). He was handsome, but somewhat muscular (not my type). He was wearing a white shirt and black pants. I could feel something telling me to look him in the eye, and he was smiling, but I was terrified for some reason. I woke up and vomitted.
Each night he steps closer, holding out his hand, and I suddenly feel very submissive in these lucid dreams, like I should stay small and do what I’m told. The sixth night he did not hold out his hand. He pointed to the bed. I shook my head and said no, but like really quiet. I have no idea why I’m like this in these dreams, I’m normally very assertive, but like I said I can’t control my lucid dreams. He kept pointing and I kept shaking my head. He started to look angry and I was convinced I was about to be hit, so I closed my eyes and waited.
And again I woke up. But this time to a very unpleasant surprise, which was period blood everywhere in my bed. I haven’t had a period in 2 years because of my birth control, and my last PAP was normal and only a few weeks before COVID shut down all the clinics. It is extremely weird.
Last night, I tried to meditate on this being again, I even offered a drop of blood as an apology incase I offended it. Two minutes in, I am struck with a sudden and severe asthma attack so bad it woke my husband up, and I haven’t had an asthma attack in years. I didn’t dream at all last night.
So yeah. I’ll be chronicalling my journey to figure out what it is. Hopefully something will happen tonight.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I just needed to get this off my chest.
. Well at least you learned your lesson and others can see from your journal in the case of your friend the adverse results. Let’s hope others pay attention!