A Journal for a Tired Mom

Hi there, I’m Tatiana. I’m going to be using this space to document my journey of trying to discover what is reaching out to me and hopefully, if it is benevolent, work with it. I’ll probably bitch about my schooling for Legal Studies and various annoying things my kids and husband get up to as well.

I’ve dabbled in magick on and off for years, but in this time of quarantine, I wanted to buckle down and add some structure to my life. Since my decision to go back to school I haven’t had a semester off from some form of structural grounding, seeing as I’m trying to speed run a Bachelor’s degree. This summer semester has nothing for me to take, and rather than become lazy and complacent, I’m stepping up my game and really striving for excellence in not just academics, but also my life.

A week ago, I performed a ritual asking for guidance and clarity. Not to any particular thing or being. I just sort of sent it out there and meditated. I wasn’t feeling anything and was about to put out my candles when I got a strong cold chill, like cold enough that I got goosebumps on my arms and legs. I sat a bit longer but nothing else came forward after that, so I chalked it up to the air conditioning. Afterwards, I asked my husband if the house was too cold and he gave me an “Are you serious?” look, then pointed to the thermostat which read 76 and the A/C was off. I thought nothing of it and went to bed, seeing as I’m usually a block of ice anyway.

That night though, I had the best sleep of my life. I’ve always had issue with nightmares, sleep paralysis, and lucid dreaming where I’m aware I’m in a dream but cannot control it. All these things make me feel like I didn’t sleep at all and I usually need a nap. I dreamt and was aware I was dreaming that night, but it didn’t drain me. In fact, since then, I’ve been sleeping soundly, not needing middle of the day naps with my toddler, and I haven’t needed to pound energy drinks all day for the first time in years.

However, each night I dream the same thing, and it seems to reveal more and more. The first night, I was in a dark room that seemed endless, like a void, with a single light source I couldn’t identify. In the room there is a wood-framed bed with a large trunk at the foot, and a standalone white bathtub seemingly not hooked up to anything. I looked around, squinting, and eventually I could make out the shape of a person standing in this void. The feeling of the room changed, heavy and my heart started to beat harder.

Then I woke up. Since this has happened, I have a libido again, which is cool, but I’ve been on antidepressants my entire adult life and the desire for any form of sex fell off after my last medication switch.

Each night, I meditate and see a little more of the room and this person, and I cannot for the life of me figure out if it’s my brain playing tricks on me. On the third night, it began walking towards me and I felt very small, as it seemed to be gigantic, but as it approached it looked like a normal adult male, like it shrank according to my response. I started to feel nauseous as it stepped into view and the light source.

It was a man with dark black hair, olive skin (though that may be my mind filling in the blanks, both my husband and I have olive skin). He was handsome, but somewhat muscular (not my type). He was wearing a white shirt and black pants. I could feel something telling me to look him in the eye, and he was smiling, but I was terrified for some reason. I woke up and vomitted.

Each night he steps closer, holding out his hand, and I suddenly feel very submissive in these lucid dreams, like I should stay small and do what I’m told. The sixth night he did not hold out his hand. He pointed to the bed. I shook my head and said no, but like really quiet. I have no idea why I’m like this in these dreams, I’m normally very assertive, but like I said I can’t control my lucid dreams. He kept pointing and I kept shaking my head. He started to look angry and I was convinced I was about to be hit, so I closed my eyes and waited.

And again I woke up. But this time to a very unpleasant surprise, which was period blood everywhere in my bed. I haven’t had a period in 2 years because of my birth control, and my last PAP was normal and only a few weeks before COVID shut down all the clinics. It is extremely weird.

Last night, I tried to meditate on this being again, I even offered a drop of blood as an apology incase I offended it. Two minutes in, I am struck with a sudden and severe asthma attack so bad it woke my husband up, and I haven’t had an asthma attack in years. I didn’t dream at all last night.

So yeah. I’ll be chronicalling my journey to figure out what it is. Hopefully something will happen tonight.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I just needed to get this off my chest.

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So tonight I decided to try a black mirror and pendulum scrying. I chose a purple candle and Frankincense to begin, they felt right for some reason. After establishing responses with an obsidian pendulum I found in the north of Spain, I asked three questions.

Is something coming to me in my dreams?
The pendulum marked yes. The mirror became fuzzy.

Will it mean me harm?
No response on the pendulum. Mirror still fuzzy.

Who are you?
No response from the pendulum. The mirror showed me, for maybe 2 seconds, the face of the man from my lucid dreams, but his hair was longer and I could be mistaken, but for a second with his pulled back hair it looked like there were horns.

I am going to attempt another apology ritual with meditation and will report back in the morning if anything happens.

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My last attempt of the night for answers on this plane. Good night!

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I like that deck

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I am utterly exhausted today. All the energy I had before is gone, and then some. I did dream of the room again last night, and I could see the man’s outline, but he would not step close enough for me to see his features. He just walked around me, in circles, not saying anything. My legs began to feel heavy and I was trying to ask what he wanted, but everytime I opened my mouth nothing came out. I was getting desperate and upset, like when your throat tightens at a sad puppy commercial but you don’t want anyone to see you cry. It felt like forever and my legs were burning, so I finally knelt down and tried waking myself up. I can usually pull myself out of a dream by whipping my head to my left side a few times, but after 8 or 9 times it wasn’t working. I honestly thought I would never be able to pull myself out of the dream and started crying. As I buried my face in my hands, I felt a hand on my head.

And I woke up. Still no idea what it means or who it may be, but I think it’s mad at me. I’m going to leave out some offerings tonight to see if I can get back on it’s good side. I can feel there is some sort of immense energy and strength coming from it, so much so that its presence is oppresive. I want to be part of that.

I’m going to go read through some books to see if I can get a clue as to who or what it is. Maybe I need a refresher course on demons.

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Hope I’m not intruding. Just offering my two cents. It seems this being is trying to do what you requested, but it wants to do it in a sexual way. You seem to be ready, but also not, at the same time. Sometimes, we want something amazing or profound to happen, but we really just need to work on meditation itself.

Do you have a daily meditation? Void. No emotions, no thoughts? I don’t think the being is angry at all:

Sometimes our guides and mentors get a bit impatient with our lack of discipline, but they are understanding that we are only human. Don’t beat yourself up over anything, and don’t feel guilty. Just focus on yourself as you are, doing what you can. When you are ready, the experience will come. Simply thank them for their effort, and ask for their continued guidance as you work to overcome whatever it is you are going through. Given the physical components you mentioned, and the ever unfolding experience, this seems to be pretty intense spiritual work. Take it slow, and steady.

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Thank you for your insight, I have a feeling your right. I struggle getting into that zone for thoughtless meditation, but I’m getting better at it every day. I’m an all or nothing kind of person, so that explains why this being may have come on so strong.

Last night I put out an offering of alcohol and steak ( we had steak tacos for dinner so I figured why not?). I chose to burn different incense during meditation. Usually I used dragons blood, but I had an urge towards frankincense. I could really only get in the zone for a few minutes before my new puppy busted in and tried to eat my incense, but while I was in that zone I felt that same sudden chill I had during my initial ritual. I got excited and broke my concentration, but I was able to get back it into it. My mouth started watering like I was going to throw up but I focused on the void. I had sudden sense that I shouldn’t be sitting, I should kneel instead, so I shifted into position. The nausea went away almost immediately, and I felt way more comfortable, but this is when my pup interrupted.

Even though I was interrupted, I felt way better afterwards, like something had changed.

I dreamt again, but it was completely different from before. Instead of finding myself in a blank room, I was barefoot in the orange and white dress i fell asleep wearing in the middle of Plaza Mayor in Madrid, Spain. (This is something really significant to me because I traveled to Spain in November to fulfill my grandmother’s last wish that her ashes be scattered in the ocean off the coast she spent her summers at as a child. I took care of her over the last 2 years of her life as she suffered from colon cancer, so it was a special trip.) It was night time, but the plaza was packed. My feet were cold so I made my way to a shop to find some shoes. I saw a pair of boots and asked the clerk to find some in my size and sat down to wait.

I was tempted to pull myself out of the dream, but I wasn’t sure where this was going so I decided against it. The shoebox was set next to me and I went to say thanks in Spanish, but when I looked up it was not the clerk I had spoken to. It was the being from my other dreams. I stood up because he legitimately surprised me; he placed his hand on my shoulder and firmly forced me to sit back down. Again, I had the overwhelming feeling of weakness and smallness in his presence. He didnt look angry, but I didnt look at his face for too long before lowering my eyes to my dirty feet.

Without a word, he crouched down and just stared. I felt cold again and was so scared my teeth chattered. I finally worked up the nerve to ask what his name was in English and managed another glimpse at him. He was sort of smirking, and for a moment it looked like his eyes changed colors. After several horrifying seconds of silence, I asked again “Who are you?”.

He tapped my inner left ankle, on a shitty tattoo “A” that I did myself on a very drunken night after foolishly trying to summon a demon with a friend ( hint: it didn’t work, the hangover sucked and now its permanent). I asked if it was a clue or a sign, and he grinned, snapped his fingers, and I woke up.

I tried desperately to go back in. I even tried chugging some nyquil to put me back out, but everytime I became aware I was asleep, I heard a calm but stern voice say “Wake Up”. I tried about 6 times to go back, but the last “Wake up” sounded like an order and not a request.

I’m going to try using the same offering tonight and do a tarot spread. Its crazy and scary, but I feel like I’m getting closer. Also because I’m having really physical reactions, I did want to mention the bleeding thing was only for the day. It vanished afterwards.

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Following this journal. AWESOME insights so far.

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Yep. I can’t explain what the void meditation does, but it seems to help us in major ways on an energetic and spiritual level. In all ways, really. I find it especially useful in my dream work. The void meditation will help you in making progress with this entity as you move forward. The longer you can manage to do it on a consistent basis, the more conscious you will be in your dreams. You clearly have much practice or a gift in this kind of thing. You got results quickly! Just keep at it!

I think it’s important that you get that entity’s name and who is it allied with. What its office is. It still seems beneficial, but it also seems to not want to give you more than it has to. It could be a test. I wouldn’t do whatever it wants until I had a name, and could verify its intentions. Looks like some part of you is already working on that and knows that it is important.

A thought just came to me. He tapped you on the “A” tattoo. Are you certain he isn’t that demon you drunkenly tried to summon with it? Tattoos are very intimate. It mixes blood and permanently is mated to your body. You may not have had a “success” with the experiment, but you might have made an intimate bond with it without realizing it. And now that demon has decided its time to reveal itself.

If you ask its name, and it tells you it’s that demon, make sure it draws its sigil in the air or something. Just test it is all I’m saying. It’s ability to easily come into your dreams means you have a connection to it, and/or its that powerful and focused on you for some reason.

Great progress and work overall!

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@veneficus Holy cow, I never even thought of that. I just remember we just picked sigils at random, drew them in our blood, and burnt them. I lost contact with this friend because she blew her life up shortly afterwards. Hard drugs and alcohol, getting arrested, putting on 50+ lbs, went on disability, tried killing herself a lot, shacking up with a scum bag that tried to lure me into a gross 3-some with them. Last I saw of her she had salt and sage all over her place and is trying to get angels to protect her. I’ll reach out to her and see if she remembers what sigils we picked.

I don’t remember why I tattooed the A either. I just assumed it was for my middle child whose name starts with A.

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:scream:

Not surprised, given this drunken experiment… yikes. I’m glad you didn’t fall into a similar fate. Yeah, reaching our to her might be nice. As long as you don’t get dragged down with her.

That sigil looks as if it’s an unfinished version of someone else’s… Someone really popular…


It could just be coincidence, though. I wouldn’t assume this entity is the same being.

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@veneficus That one doesn’t seem to fit for some reason. I think they ones we chose were more intricate because I had a ton of pin pricks on my fingers the next day so I’m assuming it needed a lot of blood. We did this 3.5 years ago, I was at the height of my disbelief in everything and I was mostly doing it as a joke. I’m going to go through some books to see if I can find something that triggers a memory while I wait for her to respond.

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Me too it’s very aesthetically pleasing

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@Tmlange
Ya, I didn’t expect that was him at all. Just was interesting to see the graphical similarities. Lol, you have some interesting work ahead. I look forward to seeing what comes out of all of this.

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My friend got back to me. She said she remembers the one she picked was like a square or rectangle with an x in it with crosses or something similar, and that the one I chose was “very swirly”, but didnt remembermuch else. At the height of her life imploding, she was telling me that she had been a native princess in a past life that could speak with birds. She then attempted to jump off her boyfriend’s roof and had a 10 day stay in a psych unit. She says she is doing better now (I don’t quite believe her).

I went through S. Connelly’s Complete Book of Demonaltry and I’ve narrowed down 3 that fit the description of what my friend chose



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Still looking for one that fits “very swirly” for me.

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After reading through Daemonolatry Goetia by her, any of those 3 could be the one. Ose is Mercurial. Alloces helps establish boundaries and “clear thinking”, which would imply a lack of being able to establish boundaries would be an obvious consequence of pissing them off. But interestingly, S. Connolly makes a note for Furcus. Saying anyone who doesn’t take their magic seriously in dealing with him/her will get a “smackdown”.

I kinda lean more towards Alloces, given the lack of clear thinking and boundaries. Furcus being saturnian is also a distinct possibility though given the suicide attempts. I think Alloces more, because of the Venutian energy.

Beleth, Paimon, and Elligos seem to have some curves to their sigils, although there are others depending on one’s perception.

All this is just my entertaining speculation. Obviously, simply reaching out to them would tell you the answer. :upside_down_face:

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How was it working with Furcas

I only have done a small ritual of opening the mind with Furcus, so I wouldn’t know. I was just going off book descriptions. This mystery of who the demons these 2 made tattoos for is interesting, lol.

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Given my friend’s experience, 1/10 do not play with demons in a taunting/disbelieving manner while intoxicated lol. It’s so frustrating, the mysteriousness and it being so vague, but this is probably a long overdue smackdown for being so dumb.

Oddly enough my brother did something simmilar with a sumerian entity about 12 years ago and royally fucked his life up as well. Only in the last 2 years things have looked up for him.

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It’s funny how many people still just dip into the occult and play with entities this way thinking nothing will happen… :slightly_smiling_face:. Well at least you learned your lesson and others can see from your journal in the case of your friend the adverse results. Let’s hope others pay attention!

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