I was told I was an evil baby, by multiple members of my family. I scoffed and said, “Well maybe I was a bit mischievous, even ornery. But evil! How can a baby be evil.” Well they insisted just as much; and still do occasionally to this day.
Growing up I never felt any connection to anything spiritual. When dragged to church by my Grandma I never knew the most basic answers about the bible. I couldn’t even answer the question, who was God’s son? Embarrassed I just sank into my seat as some other little girl answered the most basic ass question that I could not…Jesus! Jesus was Gods son! 🤦
Soon after that I began asking existential questions at the age of five.
I asked my Grandmother: “Why am I here?”
Grandma: “Because your Mommy and Daddy made you.”
Me: “Yeah I know how babies are made but why? I mean like why am I living in this body Grandma?” What’s the point?"
Grandma: 🤷 “Beats me!”
I come from a family that sees and hears but wishes not to (not SUPER religious but all magick/occult is demonic and evil). I saw my first demon (or spirit of what appeared to be a demon) at the age of eight. Now at that time I had zero previous images of demons to use as imagination, as I had not yet been exposed to those types of movies and such.
I was at home at it was broad daylight. I saw the entity sitting on my couch dressed casually like a normal man. He was skinny and had ear length messy black hair that covered his forehead. His body was facing forward but his head was rotated and cocked to the side just staring straight at me. It didn’t have eyes, just narrow black hollow slits. It had a nose I cannot remember but its mouth… a mouth so wide it looked like someone gave it a Glasgow smile! It had spaced, jagged, sharp teeth and I was terrified!
I immediately closed my eyes so tight and wished it away. Out loud and in my head. Over and over I wished it away. When I finally opened my eyes back up it was still there, staring at me. And its grin seemed to widen! I was frozen with fear. I don’t know where my mother was at the time (maybe in the laundry room) but I was alone for short time. I was literally paralyzed with fear. Couldn’t move, couldn’t scream. Once again I just closed my eyes and wished it away. Over and over I wished for the sight to be taken away. When I open my eyes once more it was gone. I exhaled and shakily walked to my bedroom and hid under the covers and rocked myself until I was no longer afraid.
I didn’t have any more visions for many years after that. I never spoke of it for over a decade. This is the first time I have ever written about it. Years back a gifted psychic instructor of mine did some major reiki on me and “un-blocked” what I had blocked long ago as a child. She warned me that I would be able to “see” once again but that I would not have the same fear.
This journal will be my witness. My confession. A detailed account of my confusion, confliction and continued progression along the decades long journey I find myself on.
I am a healer and an empath and I feel as if I am of the light. But I’m a temperamental, vengeful, unforgetting, unforgiving to a fault, mean, rude asshole of a bitch. I summon and evoke angles for the strength to heal. To forgive. For guidance. For patience. To be nicer. To let all the bullshit go. And all that works, sometimes. But sometimes I’m just so angry! And I am evil! And don’t want to turn the other cheek. I want more then just justice, I want to dish out some cold ass stale rotten revenge and summon some demons to do my bidding.
So herein lies my dilemma…
Loving the light because ALL really is one and there is no other outside of self because there is NO self, just the one consciousness (I’m a soft poythiest btw) expressing itself in infinite forms. And by this understanding hurting anything is hurting the ONE, which is indeed myself.
And then there is this…
No Thing (nothing) is the Only thing that exists. Only that which is infinte and eternal is real. All else is illusion.
So then what matters what I do? It’s all a holographic game of remembering who you are. Remembering that you are all there is. You are the one consciousness that is the light AND the dark.
Loving Ain Sof. I long for eternal stillness, silence, emptiness. That is my home. I am born of the eternal abyss and to the abyss I long to return.
I only lose my sanity when forced to return to the light. But the light is where I reside. I ache for it to purify me once again. How paradoxical.
“…the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.”
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
My new mantra:
Nope! Im not insane, I am First-Rate Intelligence!