A friend has shown romantic interest in me

I’m not very good with girls, or anyone for that matter. I wanted to point that out.

However this girl who I’ve known for a few years, how that happened I have no idea, sent me a message late last night saying romantic interests have surfaced for me. However she’s hesitant because we both want different things. I’m non-monogamous. No, that doesn’t mean I only want to use women for sex. To be honest, I’m not comfortable with myself to even have sex right now. I just want to explore what and who the world has for me to explore. I put emphasis on experience. She though is different. She wants a monogamous relationship with future plans. We both know what each other wants plain as day. Though, I feel she is this way because of her mother who she has called strict and overbearing. However she is saying she felt interest in me and I honestly am attracted to her. She’s sweet, smart, and passionate. We both have our own issues to deal with. Looks wise, let’s just say I’m more attracted to the “Girl next door” type over super models. Like I said, we both have our issues. I am dealing with depression, low self esteem, and anxiety. I was bullied in high school to the point I transferred twice through different schools, and currently have a jaded outlook. She says her mother abuses her, and I would agree. Her mother has drilled certainly beliefs into her head that manifest as destructive habits and poor self image. She moves from relationship to relationship because she feels as if she doesn’t exist without one. She can’t recognize herself without one. She’s psychologically dependent on dating. Despite my own issues, I have gone out and looked for new experiences, exposing myself to incredible places and groups, but always getting too stuck in my own head to enjoy them. This along with whatever lessons on individuality and personal freedom the occult has taught me. I want, and I really do mean this, I want to expose her to what I have exposed myself to. I want her to be free from her mother’s control, feeling like she can do anything or be any person she wants. I want her to see what lies outside of what she’s always known and see each and every bit of it as a potential experience that will help her grow. This includes what she can do for me, bringing me out of my shell, dragging me back to these places, and challenging me to get out of my own head and have some fucking fun. I’ve told her about some of this stuff before but she has not been entirely open. Its as if she sees them as being from a kingdom far far away. Along with that, a group therapist I work with has stated that I’m not emotionally open to others. I have this wall around me. The reason isn’t so much to protect myself from getting hurt but to keep me from doing or saying something that would scare or offend others. So a romantic relationship would open us both up enough to get over our issues. A relationship doesn’t always need a long term plan. It doesn’t always need to end in a happily ever after. It doesn’t always need to be done with the intent of marriage and kids. It can happen for the sake of the experience and last only as long as it’s required so those involved can get what they need.

I’m asking if it would be considered ethical to use magick to bring to the surface what is already inside of her. I’m not talking about making her fall in love with me. I’m talking about igniting the passion inside of her that’s already there. Again, sex isn’t my end goal. I just want someone to help me come out of my shell and someone I can help come out of hers. Once we find what we need from the experience, she can decide who she wants to be and I can decide what I want to do.

Do you think using magick would be the right thing to do? What society believes or what the rest of us dictate as “morals” is irrelevant; the only important thing is whether you’d be staying true to your conscience by doing so.


Then I’d say my intuition would say fan the flames. I’m just really excited. I had to express this.

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Well, good luck & hope it goes well!

I would counsel, though, to be wary of the idea that you can “fix” someone. If you haven’t read it, Chapter 1 of 10 Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives has some insightful advice on this topic:

Not saying that your situation is necessarily problematic in this sense, but it’s good to consider any potential pitfalls that may occur. :slight_smile:

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Though now that I’ve thought about it, does one really need a relationship to foster themselves, and by relying on one, doesn’t that re-enforce romantic dependencies?

As in is this that good of an idea? Should I focus on my own path and not get involved with hers?

This is one of the many reasons I prefer non-monogamy. It enforces personal independence on both sides.


Do what you honestly feel when you think about her how do you feel ? If you feel happy then go for it if you think magick is going to bump it up go for it never know what could happen

Two people can reinforce and challenge each other and build a bond of trust.

It’s not dependency when it makes you both stronger, and creates something better than the sum of its parts.


I want the end result to be each of us branching off from one another.

Actually I’ve decided this was a mistake. She and I don’t need to in a relationship to better each other. In fact, I’ve decided I’d be bending her to my will. I have to let her find her way. I can be there for her, but we both need to sink or swim by our own decisions.

I got over excited and jumped the gun.

Bending her to your will is not necessarily a bad thing, provided your will is mutually beneficial to both parties. Example: you want to help her explore life while you also explore life, you want to help her experience new things while you also experience new things. There’s no absolute moral law in this situation. If in fact she expressed interest in you first, and you make clear that you have no desire to be exclusive forever, then you are free to do as you please together for as long as it may last. Even when relationships end, there are valuable lessons to be learned and powerful memories to be cherished.