My name is Eric. You can call me by forum nickname, Khayyin, if you like and Asenath can call me hers, if she likes (just sayin’…). I’ve been lurking around the forums for two days and hopping from video to video on E.A. Koetting’s YouTube channel. I’ve never been a practitioner but I believe I’ve had some brushes with magic and especially the spiritual.
Edit: HOLY CRAP! After initially posting this I saw how ridiculously long it was so I’ve gone back and deleted a great deal of it where I told about my various brushed and dabblings. I don’t think the specifics are all THAT necessary. I’ll just include this one: I’ve identified myself as a Taoist since I was 15, but only loosely these days. Taoism led me to study internal Kung fu, and my mentor there also had experience with magic. So he combined the two and I did make progress both physically and spiritually, but that was a decade ago and I’m very out of practice. Now hopefully this isn’t too damn long. In leaving in the part about my dream because it is one of the driving forces to my being here.
TL;DR - just read the last two paragraphs, above my “sign off” and beneath the conclusion of my dream.
Some time when I was 18 I had a dream. See - I live in the Bible Belt, so I would pray nearly every night and ask God to let me know he was real. He eventually answered. One might think that would be enough to make me a staunch Christian but it’s not as simple as that. There are several reasons, but I’m only going highlight one. I’ve told many people about that dream, in support of my belief that there is indeed some “higher power” and a spiritual realm. The dream was this: there was a field of white - just…bright white - then suddenly there appeared two fierce and obviously powerful eyes. The eyes were a sort of “radioactive” glowing blue. If you’ve ever played FF7 and you recall the phrase about Cloud & Sephiroth having “MAKO eyes,” they were like that; there were also two black nostrils for some reason, I don’t remember whether there was a mouth or not. The face said, in a deep, authoritative voice “I AM GOD, LORD AND MASTER OF EVERYTHING.” I awoke immediately, startled as all Hell. Here’s the part I’ve never told anyone: that voice and face was not a separate entity from me and yet, it wasn’t me either. Now, I’m not claiming be some sort of second coming - I hope that’s apparent. But that’s why I never tell anyone that part, and the reason I say it here is because I feel like people here - especially those who share E.A. Koetting’s understanding & paradigm - can understand, decipher, and maybe even relate to this occurrence. It was me, but it wasn’t “me” me - it wasn’t the conscious personality residing in this body, it wasn’t the limited mind, the human being that identifies itself as “Eric blahbitty,” and yet I was not separate from it. As it said “I AM GOD…” I was saying it, too. The booming voice it spoke with was my voice. As it declared itself to me, I too, declared myself to me. And I awoke and for a moment I was SO AWAKE, and I was powerful. But I was shocked, and confused, and perhaps most importantly, the realization of its identity as myself and the nature of my declaration I felt ashamed of my hubris. In short, I didn’t know how to process or what to make of it and I went back to sleep.
I’ve gone on way too long for a short introduction, but as I typed that out I felt like it was necessary, perhaps crucial. But still, I need to wrap this up. So since that dream, my experiences with magic and spirituality have been fewer and farther between. It’s like I hit a spiritual wall, and until I heard E.A. talking about consensual reality, thought forms, ancient gods, Azazel’s explanation of his own reality, and several other things, I didn’t know how to proceed. I am familiar with many of the principles E.A. speaks of, and in my teens I always felt that “If magic is real, then THIS is how it works,” and lo and behold! Here is E.A. saying that “THIS” is how it works.
I retain some skepticism but I am willing to give magic a good, sincere try. I truly WANT to believe this, I WANT it to be real. But I’d be a fool to believe blindly. That is my primary concern and it raises some other questions I have about at least one of E.A’s videos, but I’ll ask later. Another concern is that I don’t want anything to do with “Satan” or an “Antichrist.” Not only are those part of the Christian paradigm/pantheon, if the Cjristians happen to be correct about their existence then I can’t see any good coming out of working with them; So if all this is real, then surely I can do without them.
My current goals… I’m basically brand new to this, for all practical purposes and I have almost no idea on where to start or what to do first. It was suggested to try using a sigil to verify the reality of this, so if someone could point me in that direction I would be grateful. Other than that, my primary goals would have to be my motivation and discipline. Through depression those qualities have eroded as much as if not more than everything else. I could use help on maintaining those, beginning with practical advice but if at all possible, spiritual or magical assistance in reforming myself into someone who “gets things done” would be absolutely wonderful!
I’d better leave it there for now. I apologize for the length and appreciate it if you took the time to read it all. If you just the end, I still appreciate it - and I appreciate any assistance offered! Thank you, I look forward to “meeting” this community!
